O'Blimey, here we go.

Michelle O'Blimey has decided she will tell Americans what their life should be like.

"I love burgers and fries. And I love ice cream and cake. And so do most kids," she said.

I'm not that keen on burgers. They are okay and I'll eat them when there's nothing better available, but they are just minced beef pies without the pastry as far as I'm concerned. Fries are the American for chips and chips are wonderful. Ice cream, well, you know, part Italian and all that, can't resist a well made ice cream. Cake, okay if it's fruit cake, but no marzipan. That stuff tastes and smells too much like cyanide. So people like these foods. So what?

"The question is how do we help people balance that out so that they're not facing life-threatening, preventable illnesses, but they're enjoying their food, they're eating their vegetables, they're doing their running and walking and playing and still have time to get a good, fun meal in every once in a while."

The answer to your question, Mrs. O'Blimey, comes in four parts.

One. Nobody elected you to anything. You are the wife of someone who was elected. You have no official standing of any kind and no business dictating anything at all. Just shut up.

Two. People will eat what they want. If they want to eat half a cow between two loaves of bread, it's nobody else's business. Just shut up.

Three. How much exercise people do is their business and nobody else's. Just shut up.

Four. You claim to eat all these foods and you're so thin you weigh less than a photograph of yourself. So the foods in themselves do not cause obesity. Just shut up.


What is it with spouses of elected representatives? Isn't it bad enough to wake up and find that the entire population of Fuckwitville have come out in the night to vote for the banjo player from Deliverance and you are now represented by someone with an IQ that would embarrass a remarkably dim duck? Then their wives/husbands decide that well, a vote for spousy is a vote for me so I'm going to make up some crappy policy and push it as though anyone cares.

Nobody voted for you, Mrs. O'Blimey. Not one vote. Not one. Not even Billy-Bob Banjo Twelvefingers McInbred voted for you. No, he didn't write 'Miss Shell O Bugger' on the voting slip. It was just a very untidy 'X'. He can't spell it.

They voted for your husband. Wrecking the country is his job now. Find another career.

They don't yet have an NHS over there in rebel colonist land, but even so, it's just too much to resist.

Billions of dollars are spent every year treating obesity-related conditions.

So what? It's not like you have any kind of socialist healthcare so it's insurance, not tax, that pays this money. And they only pay out to the insured. So those fat people with lard-caked hearts have already paid to get the treatment. This is spin of a kind not seen since 78 rpm records were phased out. Darth Campbell will be weeping with envy. Hopefully not on TV this time.

The ambitious campaign, which Mrs Obama hopes will be seen as her legacy, is aimed at solving the childhood obesity problem in a generation, so that children born today can reach adulthood at a healthy weight.

You have not been elected to anything, woman. You have no business developing a 'legacy' of any kind.

Children's weights bounce like a Government minister who's thought of something new to ban. When I was eleven I looked like a butterball. When I was fourteen I could hide behind a drill bit - and I'm talking HSS twist, not auger or flat. It's called puberty and growth spurts. Current fatness cannot guarantee future performance. Leave the kids alone and they'll be fine. Meddle and you'll produce the hooded Neanderthals of British Labour. Is that what you want? 'Cos that's what'll happen.

"This isn't like a disease where we're still waiting for the cure to be discovered. We know the cure for this," she said at the unveiling.

Yes. The cure is, shoot the government and employ a new one. With a minimum IQ requirement and no say for the elected-by-proxy. It's what the British are very close to doing.

President Barack Obama praised his wife for tackling what he called one of "the most urgent health issues facing the country."

Barry O'Blimey, you were elected. Your wife was no more the Choice of the People than your dog. Tell her to shut up. She is doing more to damage your presidency than you are and while that takes considerable effort, it is not something you should be supporting. A quick conversation starting with 'What the hell are you doing' is in order here.

Let's see if it can be grasped. If your husband, wife, child, parent, second cousin twice removed, dodgy uncle the family never mentions, next-door neighbour or a piece of gravel on your drive is elected to public office, it doesn't mean you are.

Mrs. O'Blimey, just shut up.