Saturday, 20 February 2010

Kafka writes Labour's election plans.

Working today because I had to dispose of pig crap samples. I have to sterilise everything before it can be thrown away, which means steaming it all to death in a big pressure cooker called an autoclave. I do it at weekends to avoid making the other occupants of the place sick because if there's one thing that smells worse than pig shit, it's cooked pig shit. On the plus side, the experiment looks like it might have worked. I don't know which pigs were on treatment and which on control but there's a clear separation into two groups. I just hope it's the right way round!

Anyway, on to today's merriment.

Labour have stolen another BNP slogan for their campaign and have instructed their drones not to mention Labour's record in office while campaigning. They believe that nobody they will speak to has noticed anything amiss, I assume. Best of luck, drones, and I'd recommend wearing body armour if you're knocking on doors over the next few months.

Alexander the Not-so-great thinks Labour will win because they have a snazzy new campaign slogan that everyone will fall for. He is also hoping that the entire population of the country have the memory span usually attributed to goldfish.

...Labour's campaign slogan will be "A future fair for all" – a phrase designed to compete with what Alexander describes as David Cameron's "valueless promise of change".

Compete? For unbelievability perhaps? It wins that round, I think. While life is unlikely to change perceptibly under the Tories, the notion that Labour have any 'fairness' on their agenda is beyond parody. They have never promoted equality. They use the word to push forward divisive and oppressive laws. There is no fairness in anything they have done, nor in anything they might do in the future. Agree with them, follow the directions exactly, or be quashed. That is Labour's idea of fairness.

Labour plans to stop the Tories winning the general election by tapping into a "submerged optimism" about the future and by applying Barack Obama's reliance on word-of-mouth campaigning, backed by the internet...

No doubt headed by Drippy Draper's flagship site and Kerry McCarthy's twitterability. They have missed the point of Barry O'Blimey's campaign. He was up against an existing government that had become widely hated. Labour, you can't apply the same technique because in case you hadn't noticed, you are the existing government who is widely hated. You cannot win by pointing out your own mistakes and pretending you have any intention of fixing them.

So Labour's campaign plan consists of stealing ideas from the BNP, pretending the Brown Gorgon is charismatic and black and hasn't been in charge all this time, talking to Labour activists on Labour-only websites where any questioning voices are booed offstage then blocked, and pretending the last thirteen years never happened.

It's going to be a laugh a minute.

5 comments:

Gareth said...

They can't have a grassroots internet groundswell campaign tsunami because the £80k a pop local blogs parroting the national lies aren't up and running yet!

microdave said...

Hopefully they will quickly be taken down by some enterprising hackers when they do appear!

Anonymous said...

"A future fair for all"!

Does that mean we all get a millenium dome each or it a funfair?

Mind you it speaks volumes about Labour's education policies (and standards) in that it missed out both the required determiner and the auxiliary verb. In other words it is NOT correct English and it doesn't even work as a sound bite.

To sum up: It is fatuous, ambiguous, meaningless, mendacious and illiterate.

I'd say it summed up Labour pretty well personally. Mind you I suspect someone in Labour head office is having a laugh knowing that the idiots at the top aren't ariculate enough to understand.

Junican said...

Have you read the comments on the London Evening Standard story about the school which has tried to levy fines on parents whose children smoked in the playground?

If the comments are representative of the mental standards and educational standards of the population, then there is every likelihood that the Labour slogan will work a treat. Expect Labour to be re-elected with a thumping majority! What was the new slogan again? "Forward together into the changing future"? Erm...No. What was it again?

Leg-iron said...

Junican - it's easy to remember.

'A future fucked for all'.

Or maybe it was 'Whatever happens is someone else's fault'.

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