Saturday, 13 February 2010

Smoker dates non-smoker! Stop the presses!

David Walliams does not smoke.

His fiance does.

He kisses his fiance and doesn't throw up.

This is what passes for urgent news in the UK these days. This is the Great Story. A smoker and a non-smoker? Together? TOUCHING!!! Good grief, whatever next? You'd think they were reporting that Nick Griffin had married a black illegal immigrant lesbian Muslim single mother with a beard and a squint. He hasn't, as far as I know but then if he did, he wouldn't be likely to say.

I mean, come on...

And it must definitely be true love for the non-smoking comedian who moved in to kiss his model fiance right after she'd taken a drag on her cigarette.

Dutch beauty Stone, 26, had no intention of stubbing it out as she gave Walliams a mouth full of nicotine breath.

Did she? Did she really take a seriously deep inhalation and then release it straight into Creepy Dave's face? The photos don't show smoke coming out of every pore on his body, which is what we are led to believe should be happening. He's not turning yellow and shrivelling up, which is what many commenters seem to have expected. Or, perhaps, she blew the smoke away first?

As an avid fitness fanatic who is currently training for a 1,000 mile charity bike ride,

Oh, this is surely the Perfect Man. How dare she sully his wondrous perfection with her vile and smoky presence?

Walliams doesn't even smoke, but didn't seem to mind being on the receiving end of Stone's tobacco fumes.

A spectacular display of point missing that, if it were an Olympic sport, would gain the reporter a gold for sure. He didn't seem to mind. He's not bothered by a bit of tobacco smoke. He hasn't fallen for the 'Ooooo, we're all going to die' crap and he has not fallen for the 'Smokers are evil stinky monsters who only do it to annoy the Perfect Ones' bollocks either.

He doesn't mind. It's not an issue for him. He's not a rabid antismoker and he's not a smoker either. He has even proposed, and bought a massively expensive ring, and I can just imagine the antismokers' hair turning white at the news while the Righteous clamp their hands over their mouths and shriek 'How dare he! A mixed species marriage? In this day and age? Quick, arrest him for bestiality or something'.

My father always smoked. My mother never did. She managed to tolerate him getting close enough to father two children.

My brother smokes. His wife never has. They have three children.

Sometimes, a smoker and a non-smoker marry. If that happens, you can take it as a given that the non-smoker is not troubled by smoke. Get over it.

At one stage, he grabbed her smoke-smelling fingertips and gave them a kiss.

(sigh) No, he kissed the hand that didn't have a cigarette in it. I'd guess he always checks first. Otherwise he'd have burn marks all over his face.

Black people used to have a hell of a hard time if they went out with white people, and if they married, some would react as if they had announced an intention to spend every waking minute stabbing babies and desecrating churches. It still happens but it's not as bad as it used to be. People are getting used to the idea.

Smokers are now getting some idea of how that must have felt. The odd thing is, it's not as if smokers have just arrived. Smokers and non-smokers have interbred for many generations and the non-smokers didn't mind. The interspecies tension has only just appeared.

Soon, fathers will take their daughters aside and say 'Why can't you marry someone from a different race, or become a lesbian? I really can't bear to think of you spending the rest of your days with that - that - smoker. I mean, what will the neighbours say?'

Well, they'll say what ASH and hysterical reporters tell them to say.

As usual.

24 comments:

Frank Davis said...

Perhaps Walliams is like that friend of mine who came outside with the smokers and said, "I don't smoke, but I enjoy passive smoking."

Anonymous said...

my mum tells me stories that would make the righouseness gab in disbelief but its my growing up experience too, everyone near enough smoked when i grew up and they smoked everywhere and anywhere they felt like it. when they gave birth, my mum says, they were bought coffee or tea and an ashtray afterwards, when back in the wards. and they'd sit, or lie there more like, and and talk and smoke and drink tea inbetween having to feed the babies, which were bought around and dumped on laps every four hours or so. i'm still alive and as far as i know so are all the other kids around at that time birthed and bred in such 'abysmal' conditions.

Leg-iron said...

Frank - there are still a lot of non-smokers who don't mind the smoke at all. I used to smoke a pipe, and the number of non-smokers who said they liked the smell of pipe smoke (in my case, it was Three Nuns) was impressive, They had no interest in taking it up themselves but they were happy to be around those who did.

These days, they are shouted down, of course. A non-smoker who approves of smoking is a New Racist in Righteous eyes.

Anonymous said...

Off Topic.

The hats look familiar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I

Leg-iron said...

Anon - I remember doctor's waiting rooms with ashtrays, plane and train seats with ashtrays built in to every armrest and little metal ashtrays fixed beside bus seats. Some older planes and trains still have them but nobody can use them now.

Many more people smoked but the streets weren't ankle-deep in fag-ends because there were ashtrays everywhere. Also, most smoking was indoors, relaxing, rather than outside shivering.

The ashtrays are gone, the smokers forced outside, so the butts litter the streets, so the smokers can be blamed for something that was never a problem when smoking prevalence was much higher than now.

On planes, the 'no smoking' light is on throughout the flight.

There was a time, not so long ago, when it would go out. Now there's no need for it at all. Smoking is never permitted.

And yet, we didn't all die. Funny that.

Anonymous said...

No Smoking, but you can get pissed and annoy the person next to you with continual visits to the toilet. Oh, of course that brings in money.

Leg-iron said...

Anon 1:44 - mere plastic imitations.

However, if she wanted to borrow mine, I'm sure we could come to some arrangement.

Leg-iron said...

Anon 1:51 - currently you can still buy booze on the train, assuming you're daft enough to pay their prices and haven't thought to bring a hip-flask.

That won't last much longer. I agree though, the boozers can be a pain when you're trapped in a fast-moving steel tube with them.

Especially the ones who think I'm interested in a very low-speed conversation.

Anonymous said...

I bet she could!

More power to you, a voice of reason amongst the insanity. Seriously though, why can you drink on aircraft and be a complete nuisance?

Anonymous said...

I don't want to be a nuisance, but!
If it makes money it is okay, get pissed, buy our alcohol. It calms the nervous flyer. How about the shit scared flyer who fancies a fag to calm them down?

Amusing Bunni said...

That was funny, Leg Iron, He kissed her hand, the one without the ciggy hee hee, I'm paraphrasing.
It's Valentines Weekend, they want to write about
true love.

Anonymous said...

in aberdeen the other day i saw a heavily pregnant woman smoking, is it a sign that spring is just around the corner

Anonymous said...

Hooray,

just when I thought decent investigative journalism was dead.

Took them months to be dragged to the subject of AGW emails.

MPs expenses have been going on since we allowed MPs to exist.

But now we know the truth about some twat off the telly and his rough looking bint (who smokes and isn't dead yet).

With media like this democracy can sleep safe at night

Anonymous said...

If there was ever any doubt that the smoking ban was implemented for purposes of control and creating social divisiveness, this story dispels it. As does any pretence that the MSM is anything but a lapdog to their political masters (although I suspect anyone who knows anything about the AGW myth has known this for years). The whole corrupt mess needs to be brought down - we can see through it.

Obnoxio The Clown said...

God Almighty, is this really worth putting into a national newspaper?

I'm the most virulent anti-smoker I know, and I fucking MARRIED two smokers. Not at the same time, of course!

the phlegm will kill it said...

The romance won't last. Smoking will age her skin and she will eventually get a hacking cough ( worse in the morning as the phlegm will have settled in her tubes as she slept).
This will encourage Walliams to find someone else.
But I wish them luck on this Valentines Day xx

Leg-iron said...

Obo - You married, and then... did it again? Glutton for punishment.

Still, you're in a position to say whether this is true.

Leg-iron said...

The phlegm - maybe, maybe not. Depends how shallow his feelings are and depends on whether the antismoker propaganda has any truth in it. The experience of most smokers does not match the ads, you know. If it did, we wouldn't be laughing at them.

My father is 72, aged by time, not by smoking and still married to my non-smoking mother.

It's not as simple as ASH pretend.

microdave said...

O/T - Leg Iron, you often talk about healthy food, have you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IGtDPG4UfI

Spotted at Fausties.

Leg-iron said...

Microdave - I'm planning something inspired by Fausty's fructose video. A long one but well worth watching.

That burger one is disturbing. If even fungus won't touch it, I'm not going to.

More and more food is like that these days. You can buy milk that lasts a month and bread that dries with age buy never goes mouldy. What's it being made of?

Angry Exile said...

It's a Mainly Fail story. What else should we expect? It's got the obligatory healthist nonsense with a sleb connection. If they could have found a plausible way to blame migrants and/or the BNP for it I'm sure it would have made the front page.

Leg-iron said...

The BNP have now opened their membership to everyone. So the Wail can look forward to blaming something on smoking, obese celebrity immigrants who are also BNP members.

They're probably writing the stories already.

Chalcedon said...

My dad always smoked. Mostly a pipe. All his life. Died from a non-smoking related cancer aged 84. My mother never smoked, except at Christmas when 50 or 100 senior service (untipped) were smoked in a holder in 2 weeks. Then she packed it in until next Christmas. Curiously enough I didn't wheeze and cough as a lad at all, but enjpyed much open air activity such as bike riding and the like down country lanes. My father was not evil, my mother was not an evil witch over the Christmas period.

timbone said...

Back in the 1980s, when I was a teacher, I overheard a group of 15/16 year old girls discussing boyfriends. I remember one saying - (and I paraphrase) - "I don't smoke but my boyfriend does. When I kiss him I quite like it".

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