David Walliams does not smoke.
His fiance does.
He kisses his fiance and doesn't throw up.
This is what passes for urgent news in the UK these days. This is the Great Story. A smoker and a non-smoker? Together? TOUCHING!!! Good grief, whatever next? You'd think they were reporting that Nick Griffin had married a black illegal immigrant lesbian Muslim single mother with a beard and a squint. He hasn't, as far as I know but then if he did, he wouldn't be likely to say.
I mean, come on...
And it must definitely be true love for the non-smoking comedian who moved in to kiss his model fiance right after she'd taken a drag on her cigarette.
Dutch beauty Stone, 26, had no intention of stubbing it out as she gave Walliams a mouth full of nicotine breath.
Did she? Did she really take a seriously deep inhalation and then release it straight into Creepy Dave's face? The photos don't show smoke coming out of every pore on his body, which is what we are led to believe should be happening. He's not turning yellow and shrivelling up, which is what many commenters seem to have expected. Or, perhaps, she blew the smoke away first?
As an avid fitness fanatic who is currently training for a 1,000 mile charity bike ride,
Oh, this is surely the Perfect Man. How dare she sully his wondrous perfection with her vile and smoky presence?
Walliams doesn't even smoke, but didn't seem to mind being on the receiving end of Stone's tobacco fumes.
A spectacular display of point missing that, if it were an Olympic sport, would gain the reporter a gold for sure. He didn't seem to mind. He's not bothered by a bit of tobacco smoke. He hasn't fallen for the 'Ooooo, we're all going to die' crap and he has not fallen for the 'Smokers are evil stinky monsters who only do it to annoy the Perfect Ones' bollocks either.
He doesn't mind. It's not an issue for him. He's not a rabid antismoker and he's not a smoker either. He has even proposed, and bought a massively expensive ring, and I can just imagine the antismokers' hair turning white at the news while the Righteous clamp their hands over their mouths and shriek 'How dare he! A mixed species marriage? In this day and age? Quick, arrest him for bestiality or something'.
My father always smoked. My mother never did. She managed to tolerate him getting close enough to father two children.
My brother smokes. His wife never has. They have three children.
Sometimes, a smoker and a non-smoker marry. If that happens, you can take it as a given that the non-smoker is not troubled by smoke. Get over it.
At one stage, he grabbed her smoke-smelling fingertips and gave them a kiss.
(sigh) No, he kissed the hand that didn't have a cigarette in it. I'd guess he always checks first. Otherwise he'd have burn marks all over his face.
Black people used to have a hell of a hard time if they went out with white people, and if they married, some would react as if they had announced an intention to spend every waking minute stabbing babies and desecrating churches. It still happens but it's not as bad as it used to be. People are getting used to the idea.
Smokers are now getting some idea of how that must have felt. The odd thing is, it's not as if smokers have just arrived. Smokers and non-smokers have interbred for many generations and the non-smokers didn't mind. The interspecies tension has only just appeared.
Soon, fathers will take their daughters aside and say 'Why can't you marry someone from a different race, or become a lesbian? I really can't bear to think of you spending the rest of your days with that - that - smoker. I mean, what will the neighbours say?'
Well, they'll say what ASH and hysterical reporters tell them to say.