Hotel No-Enjoyment

The Inspiration.

It's first draft. Suggestions for improvements are welcome.


On an ungritted highway
Cold wind in my hair
Warming up of the planet
Was just a load of hot air

Up ahead in the distance
Were voters, not very bright
They smoked and drank but voted Labour in
I hoped they now saw the light

The MP moved to the doorway
At the division bell
So much undisguised contempt
A vote for sending all smokers to hell

So I lit up a banned stick
I was puffing away
There were voices from inside the door
Thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel No-Enjoyment
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Such a smoke-free place.
There’s plenty of room at the Hotel No-Enjoyment
Since the ban on smoke
Our income is choked

Their minds are totally twisted
They think smoke gives them the bends - huh
They live in terror that the slightest whiff
Means their end

Now we smoke in the courtyard
Cold, dark and wet
So few can remember
What some of us can’t forget.

So I called up Don Shenker
Please bring me some wine
He said – we haven’t let you drink that stuff
Since 2009

And still those voices are howling
From far away
Screaming out in the middle of the night
You can hear them say

Welcome to the Hotel No-Enjoyment
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Such a boring place.
There’s always a room at the Hotel No-Enjoyment
If you want to play
Bring your own ashtray

Cameras on the ceiling
NRT on ice
And she said – You are all just poisoners here
With your evil vice

In the smokefree chamber
ASH gather for a feast
They fill its back with sticky patch
But they just can’t kill the beast

Last thing before bedtime
I was back outside the door
I wished there was a passage back
To the pubs I knew before

Relax said the Righteous
We are programmed to deceive
You can light up any time you like
We’ll pretend we can’t breathe