They say the Americans don't understand irony.

Yet in this case, the dope is most definitely British. Just look at the teeth.

An environmental activist was sent back to the UK after arriving at a New York airport over fears that he had threatened the life of President Barack Obama. 

Forget the Barry O'Blimey connection. He flew from the UK to America because...

Mr Stewart, who was due to participate in an anti-airport expansion talking tour, 

He campaigns against air travel so he flew all the way to America to campaign against air travel. What an utter, utter dick. America has loads of people. Loads. More than even Birmingham although they aren't quite so tightly packed in most places. They don't need to import anti-air activists by air.

Besides, America is even bigger than Scotland so to get from one part to another overland takes days. It sometimes does in Scotland too, but that's usually because there's snow blocking the quick roads and sometimes because there aren't any roads.

If we couldn't travel by air within the UK it would be an inconvenience, no more. Now that we have to spend so long hanging around airports, travelling by train often takes about the same time anyway and the cost isn't much different. If Americans couldn't travel by air it would be debilitating.

Anti-air-travel activists now fly halfway around the globe to tell people they shouldn't travel by air and they expect us to take them seriously.

This is straight out of Monty Python. If only they'd thought of this one, it would have been right up there with the Parrot Sketch.

First it was smoke breaks...

...and now it's toilet breaks. Norway first, but Cameron is likely to be drooling at the prospect of this extra control measure.

Coffee breaks are in the sights, and then lunch breaks. Soon your clocking-in-and-out will be done automatically at your desk. As soon as your weight leaves that seat, the company stops paying you. Oh, and by the way, the seat will send a daily reading of your weight to your local NHS weight control officer in case you're getting a little chunky.

Far-fetched? So is the idea of a tax on bread, and a breathalyser in your car that won't let it start if you've had a shandy. So you'll never see those things... or will you?

Let's have a round of applause for the antismokers who started this ball rolling. Where does it stop?

It doesn't.

For future use.

For the next general election. And don't think it'll be all anti-Tory either. No more two for one offers on beer, no more smoking anywhere, not even in places where the small-minded never visit, charging for plastic bags, the list includes every single one of them.

Malcolm Bruce, the local Lib Dem, has seen his majority shrink in recent years. He was one of those who voted against even discussing any amendment to the smoking ban. There are lots of smokers here, Mal, and you and your party hate every one of them. It's only fair that they are made aware of that.


When you have no salt in your diet, you die. When you have no fat in your diet, you die. If you believe these things are inherently evil and that the experts are telling you the truth, then you're better off dead because you have already lost the capacity for thought anyway. So I don't care about changing your mind and I am not concerned about who you vote for at the next election because you won't survive long enough to see it.

There is much wailing among the indoctrinated dimwits about 'costing the NHS money'. This government's policies are going to cost the NHS a hell of a lot more than any number of smokers and drinkers and they are doing it to 'solve a problem'.

David Cameron, Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband, and all your greasy little hypocritical, lying, self-absorbed little toads, you cannot solve this or any other problem.


You ARE the problem.

As I say, not as I do.

When I was a student, the hardest drinkers around were always the medical students. Well, they had to spend time cutting up corpses and nobody could deny a student a stiff drink after having to do that. Those students will now be my age - around fifty - and will include those who are now telling us there is no safe level of alcohol.

Hypocritical filthy bastards. And they wonder why I ignore their invitations to visit.

All three parties, being composed of the gullible, the criminal and the insane, will tell us with serious faces that we must all stop drinking for the public good. No more booze, there is no safe level of alcohol. You know, they actually believe it while saying it.

So is that how we are to live? No, no, no. This is how you are to live.

How they are to live is a little different. Another lot of hypocritical filthy bastards. There are a lot of them around.

Doublethink is just too inadequate a term here. This is a full blown disconnect from reality right into the deep recesses of schizophrenia.

These people are in charge. The lunatics are not just running the asylum, they own it now.

You can't write stuff this scary. You just can't make it up. And I'm trying!

It'll never happen... until it does.

Yesterday I said that smoking has been blamed for all diseases apart from dandruff. It only took six hours before comments came in to prove me wrong.

We're blamed for dandruff too.

Dandruff is caused by dehydration, these idiots claim, and dehydration is caused by smoking because, well, cigarettes are hot. That's about the extent of the logic there. It's enough for every antismoking dolt to accept because they are dimmer than an eco-bulb and twice as toxic.

So it is not possible for any non-smoker to suffer from a) dandruff or b) dehydration because these things are caused by smoking. Lucky for the non-smoking boozer who soon won't be allowed to have any, eh? Hear that, antismokers? Don't worry about dehydration. It can't possibly happen to you. That thirst is a sinful feeling, you must resist it!

Meanwhile the fat tax approaches. Vacant-eyed drooling cretin David Cameron has decided that he wants a fat tax like the Vikings because he is incapable of rational thought and has the intellectual capacity of a decapitated woodlouse. The army of drones will agree because they think it won't apply to them. Only fat people will pay this tax, thin people's cheese and milk and bread and meat will be magically unaffected. Just as the hospitality industry was totally unaffected by the smoking ban.

It's a tax. Its purpose is the same as any other tax - to take money from you. It has no other purpose and it is not about health. It's also a softener for a future tax on all foods. Yes, Vegan too. Then water and maybe even air. What, did you think it would stop at just the fats? Really? Name one other current control-frenzy that has stopped. This one already has sugar and salt in its sights for its next step. Soon you'll all join the smokers in being denied that NHS treatment you've already paid for because they don't approve of your lifestyle. Oh, and you'll have to pay tax on your home-grown fruit and vegetables too.

National Insurance is now officially nothing more than an extortion racket. They have no intention of delivering the service but if you don't pay, they send the boys round. Soon they'll have this in America too. I bet they can't wait.

Oh, and here's something you'll never hear at the tills:


"I can't sell you this doughnut because you might give it to a child and make them fat'.

Noooo, that can't possibly happen, can it? Huh. I'm surprised it hasn't already.

Oh well. Best stock up on butter before the warning labels appear. Fortunately it freezes well.

Coupon time.

Lulu.com, the printer I use for my self-published deranged ramblings, has a 15% off offer at the moment. All you do is look for the little box hidden away at the bottom of the order page (they don't make it easy) and insert -

TANGOUK305

...and you get 15% off your order. This works until 7th October but it's always worth joining up at Lulu because they do this a lot. I'm not sure if this one only works in the UK. If so, there are probably regional equivalents everywhere.

So if you're looking for some interesting reads and want them 15% cheaper, here's a recommendation. It's confusing because they are currently turning their PDF downloads into proper Ebooks so the prices are a bit variable. Print is safe enough though.

Then again, if you prefer to read for free, try these -

A little knowledge...

The Colony Man


Claiming Number Eight


Or just search the blog for 'Entertainment Time'.

Oh, and sleep well. Dreams are good for you, even the ones with blood in them. An expert told me that studies have shown, so it must be true.

The hate builds.

An antismoker frenzy today.

An American hospital actually believes that the mere smell of smoke will make newborn babies all lumpy and deformed. Yes, these are alleged health professionals and they don't have the first clue about biology, toxicology, or much of anything at all. If you decide to go to Christus St Frances Cabrini hospital in Louisiana then you are in the hands of morons with not a clue what they're doing. Best of luck.

If you're an antismoker, then it's the best hospital in the world and I encourage you to use it exclusively. Because I don't like you.

We smokers can't get lung cancer or heart attacks because we're now all going to die of strokes. I hope when I get a stroke, it's not from this highly-trained health professional. Oh, aren't they all such upstanding and noble figures to look up to? Antismokers, you must trust the medical profession implicitly. Because you're worth it.

Meanwhile the antismokers have stepped up their game a notch. They will now take photos of patients dying of cancer (smoking related or not, it doesn't matter, the truth has never been a factor in their calculations) and put them on those cigarette packets. They don't appear on the plants I'm growing so those plants must be safe. I've also noticed that the green beans, tomatoes, chillis etc don't seem to have developed 'best before' dates. There are people out there who won't eat them for that reason alone, you know. Usually the same drones who believe all the antismoker rubbish.

Tobacco smoke is smoke from a little bit of dried leaf. That's all it is. It is nothing compared to a bonfire or a chimenea or a coal fire or even a gas cooker ring. It contains nothing that isn't present in all plant material, including fossil-fuels like coal or oil or petrol or diesel. The only difference is the amount: the cigarette is much, much smaller.

So we have hospitals actually believing that patient care hinges on a little bit of burning leaf, and never mind the neglect and the bacteria. We now have almost every disease apart from dandruff blamed exclusively on smoking so nobody is researching any other causes because 'the science is settled'. We have blatant lies on cigarette packets and we have an army of drones believing it all because it suits their petty little prejudices. Medical advance has ended. We'd be better off with alchemy now.

The antismokers think this is all wonderful. I encourage them to continue and to trust absolutely in what they are told.

Because I want them to suffer.

I learn it from a book...

Apparently the Coagulation have noticed that doctors who can't speak English are not really much use in a country where English is (for now) the primary language. I marvel at their percipience, I really do.

So they are going to demand that doctors can speak English.

As to their ability to do any actual doctoring, well, they'll leave that part to the next administration.

My friend's father had lung cancer (nonsmokers both) and it was spotted by an Indian doctor by looking at his fingernails. now they can;t spot it with scans and X-rays. Well, that's progress for you.

The horns are supposed to be on the outside, you idiots.

(Quick visits for a few days. Busy putting out far too few invoices this quarter and looking for new work).

The bloody Vikings have introduced a tax on fat. The Vikings! What happened to those images of rough, beefy, spike-hatted chaps tearing chunks off spit-roast hog and wiping the fat off their chins with the backs of their hands? Sadly, no more. They must be wearing their hats inside-out these days because they're acting as if they've kebabed their brains.

Their government has, naturally, applied no sense at all to this new venture. I've mentioned before about someone I know who insists that all fat is bad - including a trace of olive oil. That is the logic the Danes have taken on.

The new tax affects all foods that contain saturated fats, from butter and dairy products and meats to oils and pre-cooked foods.

Butter. Milk. Bread is made with fat (it certainly is when I make it - I use lard) and now we have bread with added Omega-3 to boost both health and price. Guess what Omega-3 is? It's fat. So that's your most basic of foods, the ones everyone buys, loaded with tax. Try dodging that one. Even if you make your own bread using beef dripping - they've got you with a tax on the beef.

The horrible plasticine butter-replacements are made of fat too but I bet they won't be taxed. Someone in a lab somewhere spent a lot of money developing that junk and you are damn well going to buy it whether you like it or not. (That applies to an awful lot of things, when you think about it)

Meat. That must surely include Spam and that's going to really annoy any remaining Vikings over there.

Oils. Any food that contains saturated fats, even if it also contains lots of essential fats that your body can't make, but needs for cell membrane integrity or nerve insulation. There is no real attempt to discriminate between terrible saturated fats and those that are good for you - and indeed, those that are essential. No, the stupid sods have taxed the lot. It's for health.

No it isn't.

A DI spokeswoman said: "The way that this has been put together is an administrative nightmare, and I doubt whether it will give better health."

Well of course it won't. The last thing these zealots want is to introduce something that actually works. They'd put themselves out of a job.  As VGIF points out when deriding Oily Al's latest prohibitionist frenzy, it's not supposed to have any effect at all. It's just there so they can say 'Well that didn't work so we'll have to try something else' while conveniently forgetting to rescind all the useless measures they've already applied.

This fat tax is a means to collect revenue and you can't avoid paying because it's on basic foodstuffs. It has no other purpose. Don't imagine for a moment that your government, wherever you are, actually gives a rancid shrew's pancreas about your health. All they care about is your money. Don't imagine those fake charities and pressure groups are there for your benefit either. They are there for their own benefit. Nobody else's.

When I was small we used to get free milk at school every day. Now the Danes declare it so evil it has to be taxed to cut down the amount people buy. Did anyone else notice falling through that looking-glass?

Why, oh why, do the people of this planet keep voting for brainless morons? Is it because nobody with an actual functioning brain ever stands for government any more?

Maybe intelligence is seen as 'elitist' now so people are afraid to vote for it?

Stranger than fiction.

A much milder day, and the familiar rain is back in all its splashy splendour. Today, also, I found what is possibly the only disadvantage of never watching TV. Apparently there has been a season of Dr. Who and I didn't even know about it until today - which was the day of the final episode. It's the only thing worth watching. Fortunately they are all still on iPlayer so I've had a marathon session and watched them all. It actually makes it a lot easier to follow the story.

The last one of the series had that familiar Dr. Who theme where time is all messed up and it's all the Doctor's fault. The world is full of weirdness and when the programme is finished you can't help thinking 'Phew, good thing it's just a story'.

Then you look at the news and realise that no matter how bizarre any work of fiction gets, real life is always madder.

The EU-loving Little Nicky Clegg is telling us that he will stop the EU's plan to tax all financial institutions until they leave the UK. Well, no, that's not what he said. He said this:



NICK CLEGG has warned that the Government will strongly oppose EU demands for Britain to pay billions in banking taxes.

Strongly oppose. Which means, in Coagulation-speak, "No, no, no, oh all right then". So that's a done deal. The days of London as a financial centre are all but over.

We are also about to pay out benefits to everyone in Europe. All they'll have to do is visit the UK, claim the benefits, then they can move to another country and keep claiming UK benefits. That's if (when) the EU get the UK government to roll over so they can rub its tummy. Not long now.

There are only two possible explanations for the lunacy now pouring from the EU. Either they are confident that the Cleggeron Coagulation are such pushovers that they will accept any old crap, or they are trying to force us to leave.

I hope it's the latter. But I suspect it's the former.

 UPDATE: Oooh, look. They're going to talk about whether they'll allow us a referendum or not. The Mail headline is a little premature: all that's happening is a debate in Parliament and the outcome is not binding on the government.

Still, it's a start.


Further update: It's off. Less than a day later, David Cameron, our lord and master, has declared that he will not give us a referendum no matter what we want. The Parliamentary debate will be a futile showpiece just to appease the masses. It will serve no purpose other than to let 650 wasters claim another day's expenses.

101 comments on that article at the moment and I couldn't find a single one agreeing with him. Not one. So much for 'cast-iron Dave'. Why no referendum, Dave, if you believe the majority want to stay in? You'd win, surely?

The Tory party lost a hell of a lot of voters today. Let's just hope they all vote UKIP in future.