War it is, then.

See that? You can't smoke in it. It has no intact windows, no electricity, partial floors and holes in the roof. If you smoke in it, you will be fined and so will whoever owns it. They'll be fined for allowing you to smoke in there even though they had no idea you were in there. Ignorance of the presence of a smoker is no excuse. The law is clear - if you own it, you are responsible for making sure nobody smokes in it.

To many of the rabid antismokers, that law makes perfect sense. These are the same people who consider smokers as unthinking, weak, inferior beasts. The same ones who are terrified of amounts of tobacco smoke so small, they are undetectable even to a sniffer dog. Those are the enemy, and they have waged war on smokers for years.

To date, we have responded with 'Okay, let them have a non-smoking carriage' and they took the whole train. We responded with 'Okay, we'll have smoking and nonsmoking areas, and even whole nonsmoking pubs' and they took every public space for themselves. They have now moved on to smoke-free outdoor areas starting, as always, with 'the cheeldren'. Banning smoking in play areas - no problem, few were smoking in there anyway - then extending the ban to entire parks and soon all outdoor areas where the feeble lungs of a nonsmoker might collapse if they so much as see a pack of cigarettes on display.

Now they are coming to your house.

We smokers have attempted compromise at every turn. We have not demanded all the pubs back, we have asked for some. We have asked for private smoker's clubs, staffed by smokers, but have been refused. The ban is total. No compromise at all. And we are called 'selfish'.

We are also called many other names, any of which, if applied to one of the government's pet groups, would get the name-caller arrested. We smokers are expected to shut up and get out of the way because we are inferior.

I say 'enough'.

The antismokers don't want any form of compromise at all. Okay, that's how they want it. We will not compromise. We must now demand every pub, every restaurant, every bus and every train, every last space available as a smoking area. The application of a 'No Smoking' sign in any premises must be treated as if it was a 'No Jews' sign.

If you are so scared of a little tube of paper filled with leaves, stay at home. Stay out of sight. Go outside if you want fresh air. Don't like it? Tough. We didn't like it either but nobody in government will listen to us and nobody is willing to allow us any space at all. Not even in our own homes.

We have weapons. We have second hand and third hand smoke, and now we have the Smoker Breath of Death. Yes, the idiots believe it. All we have to do is exhale at them and we don't even have to be smoking. Make use of those weapons, don't be shy, you and I know they are totally harmless but our enemy believes in them.

I've been considering how best to get the message across to the local chavs. Arguing with them won't work. They are deeply indoctrinated. Something simple, snappy and to the point. So here are a few prototypes.





I see no reason to pull punches. I see no reason to play fair. I see no reason not to use extreme scare tactics and I see no reason to restrict myself to proven, statistically analysed data. The enemy never have. They have crushed us with propaganda and we have tried to fight back with facts. Facts are useless against the spin and lies they use against us.

Labour. Tory. Lib Dem. SNP. Any party who regards the smoking ban as a 'done deal' will find something like this in the hands of their local constituents shortly. I'll have to dig out the appropriate pictures for those who don't have posters yet.

They will be handed around the pubs. Some ugly little guy will strike up a conversation while al-fresco smoking and say 'Hey, have you seen this?' - then hand over a printout. When they hand it back, he'll say 'Nah, you can keep it. I can print more'.

They will be left on buses and trains and in pubs and libraries and in fact, everywhere I go. They will be single sheets, multiple image leaflets and fridge magnets.

Will it make a difference? If I'm the only one doing it, no. I'll do it anyway. If there was even one person per town handing these out, especially in places where smokers congregate, then maybe there will be a noticeable dent in certain majorities.

These are prototypes. The more different ones there are the better. Kids will collect them and trade them and try to get the set. No compromise, remember, no conscience and no mercy. Our enemy has none and we will not win by being nice. Forget the 'cheeldren'. They will smoke or not smoke according to their own choices. Nothing we do can affect that. The enemy is making smoking far more attractive to children than we ever could anyway.

I'll have to think up more. I need a real killer line that will really slap those docile smokers awake. No long speech, they won't listen. One absolutely killer line.

Have a go here.

You don't need high quality printouts. It just needs to be clear whose face is on it, and it has to be legible. That's all. You don't need all that many. They'll get passed around. They'll get photocopied and scanned and reprinted.

A simple method, easily replicated, equally applicable to smoking, drinking, food... this is how they beat us down in the first place. Keep the methods simple and make them easy for untrained people to grasp. Use the Righteous methodology. It has worked throughout human history and it can work the other way too.

Remember. Offer no compromise at any stage. If you are tempted, remember what happened when we conceded one smoking carriage and think about where you can smoke on the railway system now. The Righteous methods only work when the user is unrelenting and uncompromising. One sign of weakness and you lose.

It sounds impossible. We are up against an enemy who is extremely well funded and who has the entire government on their side. Just remember where they get that funding. You are paying them to beat you up. Doesn't that annoy you at all?

We have a choice, as smokers. We can sit back and accept pariah status and complain about it or we can start to do something about it. We can come up with schemes, drop them and say 'Oh, it won't work, we're all doomed' and wait until the smoke inspectors enter our homes and we have CCTV in the garden.

Or we can try.

What's it gonna be then, eh?