Conference call this morning at nine-thirty. Nine-thirty! No decent human being disturbs the world so early. I remember when I had to be in the office by eight-thirty and it was hell. Every day. Everyone looked utterly miserable until lunchtime, which is the natural time for a human being to arise. Up at the crack of noon, work into the night, a nightcap or five and then to bed, to be lulled into slumber by the chirping-flying things to whom the morning really belongs.
So, body clock now all over the place, I decided to look out for some amusing tales of the Clash of the Righteous. There are some crackers today.
...the 'blind have been left out in a culture saturated with sexual images'.
So there is now a feely book with raised pictures. Hey, sounds good to me. I wouldn't mind trying it myself - although at £150, it's a bit steep. How long do those impressed images last? Will some bits wear out before others? What if you borrow a friend's and find a sticky patch? Ewww!
That's not quite as flippant as it sounds. I've wondered about those Braille books before. When I read a book, it doesn't wear away the ink but if I had to run my finger over raised dots to read it, wouldn't they wear away over time? At the prices involved, I'd want something durable.
I've also wondered if the MI6 lot have worked out how to make a read-once Braille message. The dots flatten as you 'read' them. If the dots are already flat, you'll know the message was intercepted. They probably aren't considering it, as they now do most of their spying though Facebook and Twitter.
Yes, the feelyaboobie book is Righteous. It's 'Why should people with no arms be excluded from the javelin event' stuff. Ah, but there is a whole raft of other Righteous trying to remove all forms of pornography entirely. All the 'offensive image' stuff is becoming less and less defined until we're back to swooning at the flash of an ankle. They've reached that point before, and they'd love to get back there. So the porn-for-blind-people idea is not going to go down at all well, especially when it turns out that there could be quite a demand for the same thing among sighted people too.
There's only one way to sort it out... Fight!
Meanwhile in Liverpool, the council have decided to ban the word 'obese' because it upsets fatties. They want to say 'unhealthy weight' instead, as if that means something different. I can just hear the cries of 'Oi! Unhealthy weight boy!' ringing across those playgrounds now. Kids are both merciless and imaginative and sometimes that combination cracks me up.
The plans were inspired by suggestions made at a "Schools Parliament" made up of 9-11 year-olds.
(Long pause)... what?
Another Parliament? Oh, what the hell, put them in charge. They can't be worse than the ones we have, they'll cost less, they can be distracted with a Playstation so they'll leave us alone and they're probably more mature than the current lot.
Liverpool City Council are taking their advice from children. Adults? No, no, no, they want hard stuff dealt with. Let the kids decide, they don't care about holes in the roads or leaky water pipes or exploding gas mains, nor do they care that every council official has a little moustache and answers to the name of Adolf. Kids just want to change the names they call each other.
Ah, but another Righteous group have already taken on the obesity issue and they aren't going to let it go so easily. they've been having a lot of fun with this, besides burning an unhealthy-weight-boy in effigy. The same story, in the Daily Aneurism, includes comments the Telegraph decided not to use:
Tam Fry of the obesity prevention charity the Child Growth Foundation, said: 'If you’re obese you’re obese. 'I can see where the children are coming from and the word carries a stigmatisation but unfortunately some times schoolchildren have to be taught the realities of life.
Taught realities? That would be a first for Labour's education system. They aren't even allowed to understand that people are different - not even if they are a different gender. Not even the ones with horns and tails.
One Merseyside father said: 'My two children are normal weight and being an overweight child does have a stigma - but that is the whole point.
Yes. yes it is, indeed, the whole point. They don't conform, so they must be denormalised. And since it won't affect his family he's all for piling on the abuse. Here we go again. My deja vu is getting deja vu.
A mother said: 'My 12-year-old daughter is tackling her own slight weight problem by improving her diet, joining a gym and taking part in sports at school and her main motivation for her drive to be slimmer and healthier is that she is not seen as fat by her school friends.'
That 'slight weight problem' is probably puppy fat. Most eleven/twelve-year-olds have it. I was a butterball at eleven and looked like a nail at fourteen. Targeting eleven-year-olds is a great way to exaggerate the problem. Can't you just hear the desperation in that mother's voice though? 'No, not us. We'll fix it. We'll be normal. It's only a little bit of weight. Not like those real fatties.' That's what denormalisation feels like. It's scary until you realise that not being part of the herd is actually quite pleasant, and that herd life is very, very dull.
So, one group of Righteous want 'obese' banned because it upsets fat people, and another group of Righteous want the fat people treated as if they smoked. There's only one way to sort it out... Fight!
I hope it comes to that. Righteous 'It's a Knockout' using the same sledgehammers they've been using to crack nuts all this time.
Last one standing wins a painless death.