Tonight The Brown Gorgon, The Cameroid and a guy who looks like he should be at home studying for his A-levels are going five rounds each, knockout decides the winner. Unfortunately, that's not true. If it was true I'd have tuned in but since they were only going to talk at each other I didn't bother. I'll wait for the edited highlights.
I haven't seen the Lib Dem manifesto although I have had nice letters from Mr. Cable and Mr. Clegg telling me that a vote for anyone but their candidate is a wasted vote. Well, I don't like their candidate so waste it is then. I'm considering whether to shit on those letters and send them back, plead senility and claim I got confused by the NHS one. I don't think I'm old enough to get away with that yet so I'll keep it on file for a few years. Apparently the NHS will send me a new card every two years so there'll be plenty of opportunity.
I tried to look at the Labour manifesto but was immediately hypnotised by that psychedelic cover and got no further. Anyway, Labour have proved that there is no point reading their manifesto because they have absolutely no intention of implementing anything they promise. If we object, they'll just cite the court case on their previous promises, which determined that no manifesto pledge need be honoured.
The Conservative manifesto is available as a free download or you can fork out a fiver for a printed copy (spotted here). Unless you pretend to need the large print version, which is free. I went for the download. Don't go for the high definition one unless you want 77 megabytes of this stuff coming down the line. The low definition (3 megabyte) one is perfectly legible. It'll take time to read so I'll get back to it later.
Another one that's come to light is the Green party manifesto (spotted here). The traffic light has apparently changed because the Green part is shunted to the back now and the rest of it looks very Red indeed.
The Green Party launched its election manifesto pledging to raise more than £73 billion in their first year by taxing drivers, foreign holidays and higher earners.
Seriously. Their message is 'Vote for us and we'll take every last penny you have and give it to some soap-dodgers who live in that commune where the power station used to be. Toil, peasant, and pay us to whip you'.
The document sidelined climate change and other traditional environmental issues in favour an ambitious programme for redistributing wealth that would see anyone earning over £45,000 pay more income tax.
What? People below that income bracket are already leaving the country. Those above them are scarpering faster than a No. 10 aide. She wants to tax them harder? And they will vote for this?
Caroline Lucas, a Green MEP and leader, said her party would halve the deficit by 2013 as well as pay for a shopping list of policies including a weekly state pension of £170 per week for all, an end to student tuition fees, free school meals for all and scrapping prescription charges. By 2013 this would require a total of £112 billion in tax increases.
What a ridiculous woman. Her party are going to pay for all this, are they? So it's not coming out of taxes then? This is a spending plan that makes the Brown Gorgon look almost frugal. Where will she make savings, to avoid reaching 110% income tax?
Ms Lucas insisted that the public is in favour of tax rises, rather than the cut in public spending outlined by the other parties, to mend the financial crisis.
Ms Lucas can insist right off. This member of the public is certainly not in favour of tax rises to fund the idiotic spending ideas of this red - green - red lunatic. She will not cut one quango, one 'diversity outreach child ignorer' not even one under-under-undersecretary to the dustman. A Green government would utterly destroy what remains of this country in less than a week. Which is, of course, the idea. Back to the Middle Ages. At least it was warmer then.
Is there nothing she will cut?
Scrapping nuclear warheads and road building programmes will also raise money.
Nuclear warheads - meh, a separate argument. But scrapping road building? What is she on? Has she spent too long staring at that Labour manifesto cover? She wants to increase road fund duty, petrol taxes, all of it - but she won't give you anywhere to drive the cars. Nor will there be anywhere for her beloved 'public transport' to go.
Drivers, if you vote for this woman, you are like a smoker voting for any of the main three parties. She will tax your car to death and then won't let you drive it anywhere. You think they won't do something like that? Ask a smoker.
Oh, come on. This has to be a lost deposit, surely?
Ms Lucas is the odds-on favourite to win Brighton Pavilion.
Does nobody in Brighton Pavilion have any sense at all? Does nobody there drive, does nobody there use any electricity or gas - because she won't be stopping at the drivers. Nor will her high tax rules be restricted to those you might currently consider 'wealthy'. Many have left the country at the Gorgon's taxes. This green bint will drive away the not-so-rich and then she'll have to tax the remainder more and more until they're gone too and what then? Where will she get the money for all those free offers?
The Greens demand uncontrolled immigration with freebies for all, but oppose new building works. They demand that countryside is littered with 60-foot garden ornaments but they won't let anyone dig a trench to lay a power cable, so the garden ornaments can't send their electricity anywhere. The don't see any contradiction. Really. If you vote for them, you're the one that's green.
The Brown Gorgon might be mad, but this woman is deranged. As are those who vote for her.