Put the burger down and back away.

Smokers always said that the same methods applied to them will be applied to other groups. Drinkers are seen as 'a problem' as are fat people, and now the NHS is taking direct action. Apparently, you overweight lot have not been listening to their orders, so you are to endure public humiliation.

Not, not just having to go outside to eat your burgers. They've moved on from that.

They are going to burn you in effigy.

Read that again. It's serious. It is not a joke.

The 40ft giant effigy - which will cost several thousands to make - is to be paraded through the streets of Barnsley as part of a healthy eating drive.

It will form part of the mayor's parade and summer gala in July before finally being set alight to symbolise 'the shedding of unhealthy elements of our lifestyles'.

They really are going to burn an effigy of you and have a carnival to celebrate. Well, even smokers haven't experienced that one yet. If you're a little broad in the beam, stay the hell away from that carnival because once the mob gets fired up, they might not want to stop at an effigy.

Local Slimming World co-ordinator Christine Meluish, who runs weight loss groups for 11 to 15-year-olds, branded it 'a disgrace'.

Note that they don't interview the chubbies, just as they never seek the opinions of smokers. Welcome to the denormalisation club. We don't count. Only the reformed can have a voice.

'It's humiliating for anyone who is overweight,' she said yesterday. 'I was a fat kid and it's hard enough.

'If I was still the size I used to be I wouldn't go to the carnival because I would think people were laughing at me.

Since she's not fat, she'll be going because it's all right now. I'm not fat but I wouldn't go to that carnival because it is frankly disgusting. As a smoker, I know how public humiliation feels and would do nothing to support the same treatment handed out to any other group. I won't be joining the mob. Especially because if this is a 'success', the drinker, the smoker, the driver and any other demonised group will be next.

'I know there is a message to get across in terms of eating healthily but if they are going to burn something can't it just be burgers?

Burned burger - yum. I like 'em crunchy. No, they can't just burn burgers because burgers are not the target of this Righteous crusade. People who are overweight are the target. The burger is an irrelevance. Even the NHS actually know that it's not what you eat, it's how much you eat that determines how fat you get. I've met some extraordinarily chubby vegetarians and some very slim burger-lovers. It's simply a matter of calories in vs. calories used. The excess turns into fat no matter how it originated. When you eat fat, it is not stored as fat because it's not human fat. It is broken down and used, just like carbohydrate and protein - any excess is remade into fat and stored. Don't want to get fat? Don't have too much excess. Of anything.

'I don't think they've considered it could be taken the other way and have people picking on overweight kids.

Yes, they have. That's the whole point of it. They want those overweight people humiliated into submission. Their 'passive obesity' didn't work, they can't justify excluding fat people on that basis, so they are going to give the mob a new way to exclude the fat people. They are going to burn them.

Oh, look. Seems I missed something:

The giant sculpture - of an obese boy standing in an ash tray beneath a mountain of fast food - was designed by theatre company Dodgy Clutch.

Standing in an ashtray... a preview of next year's witch-burning, perhaps? This is straight out of the Middle Ages Book of the Righteous, isn't it? Burn them in effigy and soon, the mob will start to burn the real ones. Then the race will be Pure and Righteous. All non-smoking and non-drinking and all of the approved weight and... Aryan.

So where are you, Righteous? Ah, there you are...

NHS Barnsley and Barnsley Council today defended the design.

Well, who expected that?

An NHS Barnsley spokesman refused to say how much the sculpture would cost but insisted it was 'within the budget to promote active lifestyles'.

Elaine Ogden, Fit for the Future Co-ordinator for NHS Barnsley, added: 'One of the biggest health issues we face in Barnsley is cardiovascular disease.

Not for long, Righteous Ogden. One of the biggest health issues you are about to face is violence against anyone overweight. Your cardiovascular disease problem is about to become a side-issue.

'The Heart of Barnsley festival is one way in which NHS Barnsley will engage with local people to raise awareness of the risk factors associated with heart disease.

'Bye Bye Burger Boy is just one element of this event.'

Just one element, yes indeed. You're not going to miss the opportunity to turn your mob on other targets at the same time. Smokers and drinkers and everyone else had better steer clear of this woman. She's a Witchfinder and she is ready to light that fire. They are going to burn a 40-foot effigy and they'll nag at, and maybe even arrest anyone who smokes nearby. Not one of them will spot the comic horror of that situation.

This time, an effigy.

Next time?

Barnsley. Don't go there unless you are perfect.