Thursday, 24 June 2010

It never stops.

The oddly named NICE, which is composed entirely of people who are not nice at all, now demands that all pregnant women are pressured into being tested for carbon monoxide. If they say they don't smoke but test positive they will be branded liars.

Carbon monoxide from cigarettes is there, but it's tiny. Carbon monoxide from traffic is much higher. So no matter how you get to the midwife, you're going to test positive unless you take the rural route by horse and cart.

Therefore you will be branded a liar, even if you've never smoked, and the resultant nagging is likely to stress you to the point of miscarriage. That's modern health care from NICE.

It's time this organisation was shut down entirely. They are responsible for a constant outpouring of utter rubbish, control freakery and the postcode lottery that determines whether you can get treatment for whatever ails you. If we didn't have NICE we could afford much more medicine and we'd all be less stressed. The people in this organisation are unemployable in the real world and should be humanely destroyed. Really. They are utterly useless in any capacity and will simply be a drain on NHS psychiatric services if allowed to live.

Look at these quotes:

...around a third of women smoke while pregnant,

Nearly half of all children in the UK are exposed to tobacco smoke at home.

Smokers are currently around 20% of the population. A third of pregnant women smoke, therefore smokers breed faster and more efficiently than non-smokers. We're only a fifth of the population but we account for a third of the pregnant women.

Half of all children are exposed to smoke at home - therefore smokers have more children than anyone else. One-fifth of the population is producing half of the children and we're only using a third of pregnancies to do it. Damn, we're good at that. Smoking is therefore fantastic for your sex life and increases fertility beyond the bounds of reality. These are NICE's figures, not mine.

So what about those 'damaged sperm' and 'Mr. Floppy' warnings on the packets? The figures presented by NICE suggest that smoker's sperm all have little Superman capes on them and it's more effective than Viagra. We have to whack it down with a ruler to get our pants on some mornings.

The new control-freakery will exacerbate the difference. All those non-smokers who are accused of being smokers will worry themselves into miscarriage while the smoking women will say 'Bollocks' and relax with a cigarette, then produce a healthy and well-balanced child who can grow up to be a fireman and walk through burning buildings without breathing apparatus.

The figures are, of course, entirely fabricated. As usual. There are more smoking pregnant women than there are smokers, if you take the figures as real. NICE is a Labour creation that is trying to continue as if Labour were still in charge. They are not.

Time for the Cleggeron to find a new thing to cut. Go on, you know it makes sense.

It'll save you money and it'll save us a lot of stress. Disposing of NICE will save the NHS a lot of money too.


banned said...

Seems as though NICE are flailing about as if in their death throes with this stream of off remit nonsense
"telling GPs to routinely question patients on their alcohol use.
..demanded that children as young as five be given sex and relationships lessons at school and called for state handouts to food companies to persuade them to produce healthier fare."

Trying to big themselves up because they clearly feel vulnetrable to the Coalition Axe, rightly so.

"Dear Mr/Mrs/Ms. NICE.
I have been smoking and drinking to excess, in your terms, for forty plus years yet my cock works just fine, could you please explain why this might be?

JuliaM said...

"One-fifth of the population is producing half of the children and we're only using a third of pregnancies to do it. "

The thing is, they know no-one (other than bloggers) is going to call them on it.

So why not start swinging the axe at the useless MSM as well? Most of it's private, but iDave could start with the BBC pour encourager les autres...

Anonymous said...

I have a new goal in life, I want to be the most callous, hard hearted, useless bastard around. I don't want to care about anybody or anything.

I want to be as nasty as NICE.

Angry Exile said...

Replace it with the Clinical Unit for National Treatment. At least the acronym will be give people a more accurate impression of what to expect from them.

Sue said...

To be honest, if I were at "child bearing age" and pregnant, this sort of thing would discourage me from even going to an anti natal clinic in the first place.

How many women may now jeopardise their pregnancies through avoiding being constantly nagged?

Brian, follower of Deornoth said...

From your evidence you don't seem to have much to worry about; non-smokers are destined to disappear from the gene pool.

Dioclese said...

Breath tests to see if you're smoking? Simple question - what the fuck has it got to do with them anyway?

Quote my favourite meaningless phrase "human rights" and tell them to mind their own business!

Unknown said...

It always amazes me how these quango's go "off remit" as banned said above, although I doubt my sanity as to why I'm surprised at all when it comes to drinking and smoking and said quango's.

I woke up this morning to watch the BBC have the "smoking in pregnancy" as their leader item and thought the day couldn't get any worse...until someone posted this on the F2C forum:

"Under the pioneering
Scottish crackdown, prosecutors can seek the destruction of the vehicle of anyone caught twice for drink-driving...

...The 39 vehicles seized so far include a £20,000 Audi TT by Grampian Police and a Land Rover Freelander in Edinburgh.

The more valuable ones are sold while the rest are crushed."

The above quote comes on the back of another quango's insistance that the drink driving levels should be reduced, heading towards a "zero tolerance" law.

How long will it be before they take your pride and joy, your car, not your Mrs., off of you and crush it because you a) were caught smoking whilst driving or b) cought smoking whilst a child under the age of 18 was aboard? It couldn't happen, could it?

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Leg-iron

The Ministry of Love has effectively declared that all pregnant women are to be assumed to be liars, notwithstanding the validity of the test itself.


Anonymous said...

Liked the post, enjoyed the comments, but you have all forgotten something. Pregnant women are not human beings, they are self oxygenating ambulatory incubators. As such it is entirely acceptable to subject them to any and all physical and psychological intrusions and humiliations in the name of a quality product. Once the parcel is delivered it is then vitally important to keep reminding them that they exist only to serve the needs of the baaybee, for example breast feeding (however difficult or inconvenient), preferably in busy public venues is an absolute must. Even if you can persuade some of the health facists that people have a right to make some decisions for themselves you apparently cannot persuade them that pregnant women and new mothers are people. These unfortunates are rapidly becoming the health nutters favoured (soft) target with the following cheering messages:
Being overweight will harm your baby
Eating tasty food will harm your baby
Smoking will harm your baby, their babies and their babies unto a thousand generations
Taking a glass of wine will condemn you proto offspring to a life of debauchery

and so on and on and on....

Mark Wadsworth said...

Good point about smoking not being the only source of CO.

Doesn't CO go out your system very quickly once you've put out your cigarette? I though it was a matter of minutes.

Anonymous said...

A bit of advice to any pregnant ladies - refuse to say whether or not you smoke & refuse to take their test. Simples! Fuck off NICE you bunch of quango cunts.

Anonymous said...

A bit of advice to any pregnant ladies - refuse to say whether or not you smoke & refuse to take their test. Simples! Fuck off NICE you bunch of quango cunts.

Nathan Brittles said...

I just hate the whole f**king health system in this country. I made the mistake of going to the doctor three months ago and wish I hadn't (problem over next day with no medication). God knows how many tests and now a visit to the hospital. Oh you're a smoker - we'd better do a chest X ray then (nothing to do with the original complaint). They are desperate to find something wrong and justify themselves . I am so tempted to tell them to stuff all their tests up their arse before they stuff something up mine.

Anonymous said...

Now come on, you're all forgetting that they have to justify their £60 million annual cost somehow. If they didn't exist, the NHS would have to spend that money somehow in order to meet the Coalition's promise not to cut Health spending. It might take some time to invent some other useless bureaucracy to soak up that kind of money. It could be that they might even be forced to spend the money on hospitals, doctors etc. It's as serious as that.

banned said...

Loving the new Quango acronym Angry Exile.

WTF it has to do with them Dioclese is that the pregnant mother is deemed to be commiting a crime against her unborn baby (though as far as I know a foetus, rightly or wrongly, has no status in law).
This was the subject of BBC Radio 2 Steve Wight In The Afternoooon hate-in on Thursday, unbelievable levels of bile directed at smoking mums-to-be who were all assumed to be stupid, poor and lazy.

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