Thursday, 17 June 2010


There has been much rumbling about the South African vulvaemulator or whatever it's called. Having no interest at all in kick-ball, I have not watched any of the games so I've never heard this new and terrible eardrum-mashing machine. I imagined some complex resonating device that could even beat the benches in Shrewsbury railway station (1970's) waiting room for fart amplification - and that would take some beating. They were perfect sounding-boxes. There was considerable hilarity on more than one overnight stay. They didn't used to kick you out of the station in those days.

Mrs. Rigby has video. I am enlightened.

It's a plastic trumpet. That's all it is. So a lot of them together makes a lot of noise. A lot of anything makes a lot of noise, just go along to a symphony orchestra and have a listen. It's not a noise I'd like to hear a lot of but then the revolting children who live nearby also make enough noise to make a decibel-meter request euthanasia. I don't like that either but there's nothing I can do about it. I don't want to be able to do anything about it. We have far too many restrictions on everything already. Instead, I learned to ignore it. Even the child who sounds like she's being murdered every ten minutes. One day she might be and I guarantee nobody will even look out of their windows because she makes that noise every day anyway.

Don't British fans take air horns and other such things to games? Long ago I had a proper football rattle, made of wood and painted in Arsenal colours. That was before I lost interest. It was a very noisy thing indeed and if it caught you while spinning it really, really hurt. Are they still allowed? Somehow I have my doubts. The only time it was used in anger was Arsenal versus Liverpool sometime in the seventies, can't remember exactly when. The only live match I ever attended and it was a 0-0 draw. Ho hum.

This volvobaiter thing is just a plastic trumpet and it's the South African preferred noise-making device for football matches. Big fat hairy deal.

It just goes 'honk'. It doesn't beat people up in a drunken frenzy or trash whole towns when their team loses. It's a plastic trumpet. It's a noise-making thing. All countries have noise-making things at football matches.

What's the big deal with this one?

Is it just another case of 'We don't like it so it must be banned'? There's a lot of that about lately.


Frank Davis said...

Charlotte Gore has got this all sorted.

JuliaM said...

"Is it just another case of 'We don't like it so it must be banned'?"

There's a bit of that, yes. But mostly this is a media-fed phenomenon, as they all are.

Billy The Fish said...

As a footy fan, can I just say that it's not a case of 'we don't like it, let's ban it', it's more that it has a detrimental effect of the enjoyment of the game. For both sides, and, I suspect, for those playing.

Normally, a top-level game will have two sets of psyched-up fans and each lot will attempt to out-sing and out-chant each other. They will clap, boo, shout and taunt, and all of this will spur on their team and may even unnerve the opponents.

With the vuvuzela, there's none of this; just a non-stop wall of wasp-like droning, and it kills the atmosphere stone dead.

I'm an England fan (sorry!) and I get the hostility toward the idiots with air horns and those tools banging a drum and singing the 'Dambusters' theme non-stop, but this is different. This is not a handful of idiots, it's everyone in the bloody stadium.

This is the first time I can remember that I have not been glued to a World Cup on the telly, and all because there's simply nothing to interact with. It's like trying to watch your favourite movie while someone's doing the hoovering. It just doesn't work...

Anonymous said...

They strike me as being incredibly similar to the plastic horns the Sun were giving away a couple of weeks ago.

banned said...

BBC not allowed to use red button to fade out Vuvuzela Horn racket 'coz it disses our culture' claims horns inventor, Freddie Maake, 55.

Respect African Culture

"This World Cup is in Africa and people should embrace it for what it is. That means learning to love the vuvuzela, so they can feel part of what life here is about. The people at home would miss an important part of the World Cup without that noise."

Coming soon to an FA ground near you, cost about £2.00, Amazon report surge of interest.

Angry Exile said...

"Long ago I had a proper football rattle, made of wood and painted in Arsenal colours. That was before I lost interest."

Bearing in mind the game, result and team did the loss of interest occur before the break it did you make it to the final whistle?

Dioclese said...

I'm doing a post next week - had it scheduled for a while but keep getting overtaken by events - called "10 things you didn't know about a vuvuzela"

Although thinking about it, you probably don't want to know...

Watch my space!

Maturecheese said...

Try attending a football match with a couple of kids behind you blowing the hell out of one of those horns. You will eventually want to ram the bloody things down their throats. I know this because a few years ago they were popular with 'families' at international matches.

You expect a good atmosphere at football games and this is achieved by witty songs and chanting, not by blowing a bloody awful sounding plastic trumpet.

Mrs Rigby said...

They really have been conned by clever marketing if they think those plastic things even vaguely resemble a Kudu horn.

As for the noise? It's unimaginative and boring, as well as loud and irritating.

Everybody can sing, a bit, even tunelessly and some football supporters are good at being a bit tuneless. So why didn't somebody take the time to compose a really good chant or song for the locals to sing during the World Cup matches? It wouldn't have been that hard, surely.

And singing doesn't cost anything either.

microdave said...

"As for the noise? It's unimaginative and boring, as well as loud and irritating."

And it's not just going to be at football matches either. We are going to be subjected to this bloody awful racket everywhere for the next couple of months at least.

I don't give a flying f*** what football fans get up to at matches, but when every stupid kid thinks it's clever to spend all day blowing into them, that's another matter.

If that makes me a Grumpy Old Sod then so be it. I have to put up with frequent sirens wailing, Subaru's blatting up and down the road (why would anyone want to spend £25K on a car that sounds like an old beach buggy?), strimmers, car alarms at the local supermarket, and so on.....
Before anyone tells me I should move to the country, and complain about cows and sheep, let me say that I accept that city life will never be peaceful, but why to we have to put up with so much twattishness from inconsiderate morons???

I've just watched a couple of film clips taken in some Eastern European countries, and whilst nothing is perfect, the difference is amazing. The children are well behaved, the streets are clean, people seem to be enjoying themselves, yet hardly a policeman or "official" in sight.

What has gone wrong with this country??

woodbine willy said...

I think the proper name is Zuluvulva, isn't it?

Leg-iron said...

Sounds like this new Vulvalaser is going to be a bit of a nuisance for a while.

A bit like those balls-on-a-string that people used to clack together and derive some kind of bizarre amusement from. Until the balls finally fractured and exploded.

That's when they fell out of fashion, I think. Pity. The only reason for watching someone bash their balls together was in anticipation of that final explosive moment.

Then there was a phase of tiny packets that went 'bang' for no apparent reason. Then Poke-a-man cards, popular among certain groups. Those electronic pet things that turned into a pile of poo on the screen and then died. Ebay was once full of something called 'beanie babies' that resembled neither beans nor babies. I mean, if you're going to call it a 'beanie baby' then it's a plastic doll with a gas problem, surely? Another fad.

So it's very likely that cheap plastic tooters will take off for a while among those who can't spell IQ.

They won't last long if they do. They're all just fads. Not like proper, serious hobbies.

Not like whisky, smoking and pork scratchings. Those things have real endurance. Tonight I'm doing all three at once and not a clacking ball to be heard.

Leg-iron said...

Angry Exile - I'm not sure I was ever seriously a football fan. That one match was enough to make me think 'You know, this isn't all that interesting really'.

Shortly afterwards there was a chemistry lesson on explosives and well, new hobby...

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