Friday, 21 May 2010

Tick that box. Tick it, I say!

If black people are 'coloured', does that mean we white people are just outlines? In which case, colour me baffled.

In the last few days there have been increasingly strident calls, more than usual, for 'more women' and 'more ethnics' and 'more of that other thing as long as they don't smoke or drink' in Parliament. No calls for 'more people who know what the hell they are doing and never mind their colour, sexual preference, gender, religion or whether they have dirty habits in private'. These calls come, of course, from the party that tried it and were royally crushed as a result.

Diane Abbott, a highly polished Labour MP, is now joining the race for the leader of the Labour party. She faces competition solely from white heterosexual male human beings and Ed Balls. Maybe she would make a great leader, I don't know. If she wins, will she win because she's the least bad (actually likely to be true) or because she is a black woman and therefore ticks the boxes? Will you be able to tell? I won't. Labour's agenda of ethnic, gender, sexual orientation, religion and everything-but-smokers quotas means that whenever a woman gets a position, it's seen as 'bah, that's just the quotas'. Even if it's a black lesbian ex-convict drug-addled alcoholic with fifteen children by nineteen fathers who actually happens to be the best choice for the job. As long as she doesn't smoke.

It's not about the job any more. It's about the applicant. I fully expect to be visited by the PC police any day because my one-man business is entirely white male heterosexual and not a prayer room in sight. I'm ready for them. I'll claim I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body and demand compensation for my inability to bear children. The weird part is, I'd probably get it too.

Shiny Abbott speaks:

Abbott said Labour needed the "broadest possible" contest as it debated the future of the party after this month's general election defeat. "We can't go forward with a leadership debate where there is no woman," she said.

Why not? Hideous Harman and Why Vet Cooper have a good call on the contest and neither are standing. Nor is Jacq the Ripper. Oh, that's right, Jacq lost her seat to the Tories. Poor Jacq. I'd sympathise if I cared. But if no woman applies, why force the issue? Now it appears that Gleaming Abbott is applying only to tick the box as the 'Free Of Balls' candidate. And the 'Not an outline in a colouring book' candidate. Not forgetting the 'Brasso advert' candidate.

If there is a candidate who is right for the job, why does it matter whether that candidate is male, female, black, white, yellow, Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Pagan, or prefers to sleep with the other gender, their own gender, or baboons in Lycra? In the days of reality, long ago, what mattered was the job. That came first. The job was defined and you'd look for someone who could do it. What they did with themselves outside the job was of no relevance. What they looked like was of no relevance (unless it's catwalk model. Apparently I don't have what it takes, or so they keep telling me every time I apply. Not much call, it seems, for a blob on stilts. Discrimination!). Who they slept with was of no relevance. As long as the job was done, and done well, the employer didn't care if your skin was green and you had antlers and your preferred mating technique was trout-style.

Not any more. Under Labour's Reign of Absurdity, every group (except smokers) must be represented in the workplace, whether they can do the job or not. I'm going to have to black half of myself up. I'll black up the bottom half to impress the ladies. I'll also have to have one boob implant and become a Christhindulim for the sake of equality. Then I'll have to sack myself for being a smoker. Unless I lie to myself about smoking and hope I don't demand I take a blood test for the presence of potato metabolites.

That's what thirteen years of Labour have done. True story - in my previous rented lab, I had to fill out risk assessments for every technique I used even though I was the only one doing the jobs. I had to sign the risk assessments as 'manager' and then sign them again to prove I had read what I had written! Their safety idiot actually checked! I had to sign them again every two years to prove I had read what I had written about techniques I have used for decades and which nobody in my employ uses because there isn't anyone. Now I rent a lab where they don't check. I flash my personal indemnity insurance and they sensibly say 'You don't work for us, your health and safety is your problem'.

So, should the Torydems follow the Absurdity party's example and employ more women, whether they are any use or not? I mean, it worked so well for Labour. Hideous Harman, Jacq the Ripper, Why Vet Cooper, the Motorbike Midget, Madge Bucket...

Have the Tories done better? They have Nadine Dorries but we'll excuse that. Every act needs a warm-up comedian. They also have that rejected model from Aardman Animations, Caroline 'Wallace' Spelman who has dropped them in it once again today.

It does not mean that women are not good politicians. I've known some who could run rings around PMQ's and leave the opposition on their knees, begging for logic. The way it is done nowadays is not to let the woman take her chances in the race, but to bias the race with all-women shortlists. So it's not about the best prospective candidate any more. It's about the least bad of a small subgroup of the available candidates.

Before you ladies get your handbags loaded with bricks and start swinging, I would make exactly the same comment about an all-male shortlist or an all-white shortlist... if they had ever existed.

Basing employment, at any level, on the candidate rather than the job is a recipe for disaster. We have had those disasters over and over again. Have 'lessons been learned' yet?

Work out what the job is and what needs to be done.

Find the best person to do it.

Does it really need to be any more complicated than that?


ticks all the liebore boxes said...

Ms Abbott would be perfect as Labour leader.
Thick as mince so wouldn't upset the status quo with her intelligence.
A hypocrite ( sends kids to private school while promoting comprehensives for the proles).
Ugly so would fit in with Labour ugly club.
Fat and black so would get plenty of votes from the ethnic communities.
Favoured by al ja beeba so would get plenty of lefty help via 'this wank' and Radio 5dead etc.
Yes an excellent candidate.
I wish her all the best.

Anonymous said...

In recent months there have been calls from some quarters to accord gorillas human status.

Be thankful that Nu Labour went before they had time to legislate for this. Can you imagine the blow to a job applicant's self-esteem when pipped at the post by Cheetah?

Not to mention the mayhem in the ranks of the Righteous as Equality and Diversity demand that Cheetah be considered for the Chair in Astrophysics, the Safety Elves want to ban his bananas after someoneone slipped, HR agonising whether to implement the disciplinary procedure when he fails to return from sabbatical in the jungle...


JuliaM said...

"Does it really need to be any more complicated than that? "


Unless, of course, you want to make a tidy living out of the whole diversity merry-go-round. Then it becomes vital...

Unknown said...

What JuliaM said - all that other shite matters not a jot, just find someone who can do the job!

Apparently this makes me an elitist!

DerekP said...

It seems to me a gorilla would likely be a big improvement as Equality and Diversity Officer.

Katabasis said...

I made this point a couple of days ago. I was told that it makes me "part of the white male middle-class elite who think they know what's best for women."


Anonymous said...

Reminds me of that thing about the Job Centre where a company looking for a new staf member couldn't put 'reliable' 'cos that was discriminating against the unreliable. FFS! the Coalition Govt is going to have a lot of repeal to sort the Labour PC & H&S crap out. It'd be quite fun to see Diane Abbott beat Balls - then he could maybe understand how discrimination against white males works. Should we all take out Labour Party membership & vote for her?

JohnRS said...

"Work out what the job is and what needs to be done.

Find the best person to do it"

Indeed that would be the way a traditional employer like yourself would like to do it under the eeevil Tories.

But now we have new, super-improved, diversity aware, NuLieBore shackled employers and under this new enlightedment "it is right" that they take into account none of the practical aspects of the job and instead focus on ways to screw up your business you evil capitalist tyrant - bet you went to public school as well - or are you one of those bastard bankers?

Macheath said...

Your risk assessment form experience sounds horribly familar - a sculptor relative of mine who works from home was obliged to put a staff lavatory into her studio despite the fact she doesn't employ anyone else. Just as long as those boxes get ticked...

Young Mr. Brown said...

Employ someone who knows what they are doing? Choose people on grounds of competence?

But then those who don't get the jobs would feel that they were being labelled as less competent, or not having the foggiest what they were doing. And that would hurt their feelings.

Sorry, Leg-iron. It'll never catch on.

microdave said...

Even women can't get a job driving buses in Hackney - if they're WHITE....

I am Stan said...

Were takin ova I tell ya...takin ova babylon...easy now!!!!.

Spot on post by the way Legster!,on merit is the only way.

Twenty Stone of Righteousness said...

Vote for me!

Leg-iron said...

According gorillas 'human' status makes perfect sense. They would increase the proportion of non-smokers, non-drinkers, vegetarians and more.

Then there would be justification for further controls on the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

If you have to have Gender etc. shortlists and the Torries are discriminatory evil old white males, then how the hell did Thatcher get in as leader and PM 30 odd years ago?

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