Here it comes.

[random huge number] of deaths per year due to smoking.

[random huge number] of deaths per year due to drinking.

[random huge number] of deaths per year due to fatty and salty food.

I don't get it. When I go down the High Street, there are hundreds of people. According to official statistics I should be the only one left by now.

Oh, and any antismokers who like a burger or a bag of chips - enjoy being spat on by passers-by, enjoy being told that you should just die in pain and get off the planet of the Nice People, enjoy the abuse and the sneering and the superior looks. You don't even have to be overweight to enjoy the insults any more. I look forward to it. It'll take a little pressure off the smokers.

You can't complain. You encouraged it. This is what you have brought upon us all:

• Low-salt and low-fat foods should be sold more cheaply than their unhealthy counterparts, through the use of subsidies if necessary;

Yes indeed, let's subsidise everything even though we have no money at all. Look, we are going to be eating roadkill in a year from now. I know how to cook it and I'll have a little roadside cafe where it's safe to eat. Won't be cheap. There's not much more than a small burger's worth of meat on the average crow, you know. As for the wild fruit, that's mine.

• Advertising of unhealthy foods should be banned until after 9pm and planning laws should be used to restrict the number of fast food outlets, especially near schools;

More of the 'no chip shop near schools' crap. Here, a chip shop half a mile from the school is full of kids at lunchtime. It takes fit young people ten minutes to walk there, it takes the tubbies fifteen. They eat it on the way back. They have one hour for lunch. If they can get served within twenty minutes, their effective chip-shop range is one mile. Kids will eat crap and get away with it if they're active. The reason they're not active? They are not allowed to be, by Government decree. No climbing trees, no running, no playing in the mud, no interacting with nature, with adults or each other and no competitive games. The problem is not the fast food, Righteous. It's you.

• The Common Agricultural Policy should focus more on public health, ensuring farmers are paid to produce healthier foods;

Farmers produce potatoes, very healthy. We make them into crisps and chips and waffles and croquettes and so on, because potatoes in their healthy form are really pretty dull. Mushrooms, very healthy. Until we soak them in garlic butter, coat them in batter and deep fry them. Parsnips, that staple of these islands before Drake and his meddling, very healthy but best roasted in dripping. Apples, lovely in a crumble loaded with sugar and made with proper butter. What do these loons want? Fields of courgettes and broccoli? Okay. Mix the batter and heat up the oil. We can work with courgette chips if we have to. Grow what you like. We can bugger it up.

It's not what farms produce that matters, it's what we do with it afterwards. Although I suspect this is a sneaky 'stop them producing meat' plan, which will never work because there are plenty of rabbits around. Plenty of vegetarians too, and eating herbivores is permitted by the Bible. So there.

• Action should also be taken to introduce a “traffic light” food labelling system, even though the European Parliament recently voted against this;

They voted against it because it was a stupid and pointless idea, too stupid and pointless even for EU approval and that is pretty much at the limits of both stupid and pointless. It still is, and is still being put forward by stupid and pointless people who are the best advertisement ever for involuntary euthanasia, or for retrospective abortion.

• Local authorities must act to encourage walking and cycling and public sector caterers must provide healthier meals;

No. Local authorities are employed by the public, they are not in charge of the public. They already consider themselves local barons. This is pitchfork and flaming brand stuff we are talking here. We can soak the brands in the melted fat of politicians and solve the energy crisis at a stroke.

• All lobbying of the Government and its agencies by the food and drink industry should be fully disclosed.

All lobbying by these quangos and fake charities should be ended.

Compare and contrast with - if you are against the smoking ban/drink controls you are in the pay of tobacco companies/booze makers who secretly lobby the government. Advertising ban on alcohol and tobacco. Warning labels. Encourage people to do as they are told and not inhale/ingest the Non Approved Thing. Use peer pressure to make them conform.

IT IS THE SAME TECHNIQUE

Can't you see it yet? It is the same thing over and over and over and why, oh why are you dozy bastards still sitting there going 'yeah, right... duh, it's bad like innit. Ban it'. You will not be banning MacDonalds and Burger King. You will be banning sausages and bacon and black pudding and dumplings and roast beef and well, pretty much everything that the health Righteous don't want you to have. You will live on pelleted pig feed and water. It works for pigs and it will work for you. That's not speculation. It really will.

The Cameroid-Clegg Collective will repeal the hunting ban because it is unrelated. That was just anti-Tory spite. They will not repeal the smoking ban because it is exactly the same as the control on drink and now on food. Break one, and you reveal the underlying method and break them all.

These are controls, not for your health but for your souls. You want to end up in blue overalls, working eight hours, sleeping eight hours, playing eight hours? Are you happy with the war with Eurasia - or is it Eastasia now? Happy with making those people you've known all your lives, friends and family, those who are overweight, who like a sherry now and then or who smoke, into unpersons who never existed and never mattered at all? Are you really happy with all that? Are you happy to become an unperson yourself?

I have a great-aunt. This year she is 101. She has all her mental faculties intact although she nods off now and then. She has never taken anyone's orders on smoking, drinking or food and since she lives in Wales, you can bet her fridge is full of lard. We have chip pans you can't get the basket out of when it's cold. We didn't have any problem with fat kids until Labour came along. We once had a problem with a hideous ginger git called Kinnock but we sent him abroad.

Do you want to join the Righteous carousel when you reach the appointed age at which you are no longer economically viable? Or will you think for a little bit and eventually come up with those words that have historically ended rules of the Righteous, that have awakened sleepers down the ages, that have saved worlds from enslavement and stopped the hatefests in their tracks? Will you come up with those words on your own?

Will you sneer and think 'This control won't affect me, like the last one, the one before that and the one before that. I am certain the next one won't either'.

Or will you think 'Hang on a minute. That can't be right...'

Maybe next time, eh? Or the time after that. Oh wait, it's feeding time, the pellets have arrived.