Don't play soldiers, kids.

We hear every day how the children of the land are turning into little blobs who can barely lift an Xbox controller and who get out of breath thinking about stairs. We are told they are not exercising enough. They should be out climbing trees and playing kick-ball and having affairs and taking out injunctions... no wait, that comes after the kick-ball games.

They have been prevented from doing this by a population of adults who think Gary Glitter hides in every wheelie bin, who believe that any child outdoors is sure to be sucked into an evil world of hard drugs, stabbings, guns, smoking and jam sandwiches. The health and safety culture ensures that no child must climb any structure taller than six inches and rough sports like chess must be avoided in case they sprain a finger or increase blood flow to the brain, thus causing a stroke or an outbreak of thinking.

So what happens when some kids decide to go out and play a bit of football as directed by the lardasses who dictate the fitness agenda? Well, what always happens. Sooner or later, inexpert footballers (and sometimes expert ones) mis-hit the ball. To those who used to read children's comics in the days before Dennis the Menace turned into Walter the Softie, the football through the window scenario will be very familiar.

It's not so common these days because a) double glazing is better able to resist a ball impact than the old single glazing and b) kids aren't allowed to play football in case Gary Glitter's Gang are about, or in case it rains, or they get dirty. But it can still happen, just the same.

When it does, it is no longer an accident. A football hitting a greenhouse is now deliberate criminal damage and requires a helicopter, riot van and half the country's police force to be scrambled to apprehend the evil terrorist.

You want kids to play football? Aside from their parents' long-instilled paranoia, no child dares kick a ball in case it goes wrong because that will bring the full force of the law down on them and a record that will show up on CRB checks for the rest of their lives.

That's just for cracking a greenhouse.

When the police are all armed, and that day is coming, children should be warned never to play soldiers. One shout of 'Bang!' and it'll be game over.

Permanently. One short, sharp shot and they won't do it again.

Children are safer indulging in modern hobbies like burglary and manslaughter. The law doesn't mind them doing that at all.

Don't worry about losing out on the football, kids. As a Law-approved career criminal, you can still play with the injunctions. You won't even have to pay for them.



Meanwhile, the Prize Mutant dresses like a gardener and plays ping-pong with Barry O'Blimey before the barbecue, while Denmark bans Marmite for having too much vitamin B, a hideous caricature of humanity is allowed to throw billions into the newly-forming Islamic states, and yet another politician is interviewed by police. And that's just a sample of today's news.

No wonder Parliament is so keen to expand the criminal classes and to reduce the general brain-power of the population. They're grooming the next generation of politicians. Stupid and larcenous are the best qualifications for the New World Order.

I would like to say 'You couldn't make it up' but let's get real here. Kafka couldn't have made this world up. Spike Milligan and Graham Chapman are looking down at the world and wishing they'd thought of such absurdity while they were alive. They're also wondering whether they could have gone that far with their sketches and got away with it.

I don't know who is making it up, but they are way beyond the rubber room stage now.

Kids, stick with the Xboxes. Never attempt to play at soldiers. Fat is better than dead.