Why so serious?

[Sigh. Once more the spambox contains no spam, but has trapped genuine comments. They have been set free.]

I have ordered an electric cigar. No special reason, it was on offer and it looks like fun. It's also non-approved, which helps. I can already get 'cigar' flavour for the Titan Electrofag but well, this thing actually looks like a cigar so I can play with it as I do with the Njoy, which looks like a real cigarette. Wait for a prodnose to tell me I can't smoke and then casually drop it into my shirt pocket. You can see their blood pressure rising while they wait for it to burn through. Just when they are convinced it's gone out, take it out, take a puff and put it back. For the antismoker it must be like staring at one of those drawings of impossible objects. They don't know whether to be enraged at the smoker or terrified that he's about to burn himself. Soon their terror will be multiplied by the loss of the fire service. Oh, I can't wait.

Playing with the antismokers' minds, well, okay, it's pretty much kindergarten stuff but it's fun anyway. Dick Puddlecote suggested we might want to feel a little compassion for these feeble, weak and permanently offended morons but well, what's the word I'm looking for here? Ah, I have it. No.

I don't want them to see reason. I don't want them eradicated. They are just so much fun. I want to see how far I can push their blood pressure before they explode. I want to see those pretty little veins on their foreheads standing out. I want to see how far into the blue end of the spectrum I can push their faces. In fact, I'll have to get hold of one of those paint charts that shows shades of blue so I can keep score. I want to see figures for heart attacks and strokes correlated with antismoking zealotry but preferably not by location, because that might centre on me.

How can anyone fail to enjoy their pain and confusion? They are happy to inhale the products of fossil fuel combustion, the burning of dead and long-rotted vegetation, but are terrified by a bit of burning leaf that's only a couple of years old, if that. They actually believe they will die from a mere trace of a chemical that isn't at all dangerous unless concentrated so how can anyone not play with that? If the zealots ever saw sense, if they ever broke through to reality, the world would be a far less fun place. So no, don't let them lose their holier-than-thou permanently-offended Righteousness. Keep them enraged, keep them demanding their 'right to clean air' as if such a thing actually exists on this planet any more.

Look at the fun one of Smoking Hot's smoky-drinkers has with them. Where else can you get that kind of entertainment for free? Take it further. Those dead cartridges from realistic Electrofags like the Njoy? Blacken the end over a candle flame and leave them around. "It's a cigarette end! No wait, it's okay, it's plastic. Aaaa! It's an Electrofag and it's burned! The evil stuff has been released! Run, run for your very lives!"

Cigarette butts do not break the smoking ban. The ban only applies to things that actually produce smoke by combustion and stubbed butts don't. The only law that could apply is littering, and if you visit a pub, put an ashtray full of ends on the table in front of you while drinking and not smoking, what law are you breaking? The same one you break if you put your book, newspaper or umbrella on the table? No law at all. But watch them scream. Watch them wail. Watch them rend their clothing, tear their hair and gnash their teeth. Hell, you could get sponsorship from your local dentist, hairdresser and Top Shop just to do it. The ashtray full of ends is not littering, it is not damaging your publican's premises in any way, it breaks no laws. It's yours and you take it with you when you leave. Antismoker minds, well it will break those aplenty.

Naturally this works best if the publican is in on the game and understands no laws are broken and he/she can't get fined. It would work best of all of the ashtray was filled with butts and then filled with clear acrylic. It's just a paperweight then, and can be carried in a pocket without making any mess. It can't even be spilled. Can that be done? Well if this and this can be done, an ashtray full of ends is easy and far scarier. In fact, it has just got to be worth a go. You could even turn it over when challenged and see if anyone dares pick it up. Best done with an opaque ashtray, I think, because they won't know the ends haven't fallen onto the table.

There are those who smoke and yet hate smoking. This is ridiculous. If you don't like smoking, don't do it. Don't pretend you are addicted and must smoke. That's rubbish and you, as a smoker, know it. Only nonsmokers and Righteous believe in nicotine addiction. Those who smoke and profess to hate the smell of smoke are one of two things. Either a) idiots or b) Righteous who like a smoke but feel obliged to pretend they don't in order to fit in with the other Righteous. 'Idiots' actually covers both definitions, now I think of it. Look, every single ex-smoker I know who didn't go back to smoking stopped for one reason only. They didn't enjoy it any more. No symptoms, no withdrawal, nothing. They stopped enjoying it so they stopped doing it. Because they weren't forced to stop, they didn't become born-again nonsmokers either.

Me? I love the smell of roll-ups in the morning. Stale ashtrays, not so much, but that's why we have compost bins and washing facilities. Although the idea of loading every morning-after ashtray with acrylic and then selling it as a paperweight does have some appeal.

I really don't think any form of organised smoking resistance will ever work. It's the sort of thing ASH and their government puppets are geared up to deal with. Smoky-drinkies are localised pockets of resistance. While I agree absolutely with the aims of Smoking Hot and his ceaseless assistance to those who buy abroad, I also agree with the FOREST view that a centrally-organised large scale version will not work. Smoking Hot's one-on-one trips are hard to spot in advance but a large, organised, version has too many points of attack for the Righteous to get into. I also don't see disagreement as infighting. Disagreement proves we are real people. Blind consensus and acceptance of the Word from the High Ones is the hallmark of the Righteous and their drones. Smokers are capable of independent thought, which is why we are so inconvenient. It's also why we can't form a coherent organisation like the antismoking Borg do.

I won't join any group beyond the local Smoky-Drinky which is not an official group at all. Of all the political parties out there, the one closest to my own beliefs are the Libertarians, but I haven't joined. Groucho Marx once said he wouldn't join any club that would allow someone like him to be a member. Not quite the same. I won't join any club unless I intend to make it collapse in chaos because that is what will happen. It's not always intentional, I just can't quite grasp the concept of 'rules'. In fact, I have thought of joining ASH but it's too late now. They know who I am. I'll need another persona, which might take as long as ten minutes to think up.

So I'll continue to rip at the minds of the antismokers and their drones. I have no intention of even trying to convert them to reality and common sense, I just want to watch them burn. My weapons are words and cigarette ends and you know the best thing about those weapons? They're cheap. I don't need to belong to an organisation, I don't need funding, I don't need support groups or troops or drones. All I need is a quiet bench with an antismoker pretend-coughing on it and when I'm finished talking, they'll feel more lumps in their bodies than there was in my grandmother's gravy. You get thinner gravy if you pour a can of meatballs over your roast.

Will they find lumps? They will find their lymph nodes and ganglia and the protrusion of their sternum below the centre of their ribcage. They don't know what these things are and they've never looked for them before. They will also imagine lumps where no lumps exist. It just takes a little muscle tension and a hint of suggestion. They will feel a tickle in their throat and a tightness in their chest. Their joints will ache and their eyes will feel pressurised. Their intestines will grind and rumble and their noses will itch. None of this requires more than words and maybe the visual prop of a cigarette end or a bit of ash - and it doesn't even need to be tobacco ash. Ash from the bottom of my chimenea works. All you need is ash. I feel a song coming on...

They have pets? Well, dogs stick their noses into everything. Can they be sure their dog is not licking them with fifth-paw smoke? Cats walk and climb eveywhere. Have they checked for cat scratch nicotine? Birds, oh dear, birds have been photographed taking cigarette ends to use in nestbuilding. Are their children suitably safe from the poo of the smoking birds? Ninth-wing smoke is here and it's in your garden. Yes, you. You, eating that plum from your garden. A sparrow might have coughed on it, you know. Oh, have you finished? Too late, you're doomed.

Come on. Nobody needs an anti-antismoking group to play with these people. I really don't want them educated or eradicated. Let them quake, let me play with them. Don't help them in any way. They don't want to be helped. They want to hear the worst, and I am here to tell them what it is.

I have learned to love Big ASH. They send me so many toys...