Friday, 29 April 2011

Tormenting simpletons for fun and profit.



Put the drink down and back away. It's one of those rants and I'm not paying for any more keyboards.


There was once a rumour that every banknote in circulation carried detectable amounts of cocaine. I have no idea whether it's true but since the illegal drug industry is unlikely to make use of cheques or credit cards, I suspect that most of the folding currency out there passes through their hands at some point. Maybe it is true. Maybe not. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that the story can be made credible.

Nobody is scared by that story, at least, when I was at school (where I first heard it) nobody was scared. It was just an interesting thing. These days you could probably induce spontaneous bowel evacuation in a suitably gullible target just by mentioning it while they have cash in their hands. Worth a try.

Some time back, someone mentioned writing 'Handled by Smokers' on banknotes, and I have been. In the comments, Dick Puddlecote suggested getting a stamp made up. Well, an Email correspondent has now done this, and the results are as shown above.

I think it was a Rockefeller who said something along the lines of 'Give me control of a country's money supply and I care not who makes its laws.' It was some total banker, anyway.

The handwritten notes might be disregarded. An official-looking stamp in red ink looks like a real warning. It's no longer a rumour that the note you hold might be contaminated by an evil druggie. There it is, in red ink, an official stamp warning you that this note, this particular one you're holding, is saturated with third hand smoke and you now have mere hours to live. Oh, and your dog will die too. No need to worry about cats. They hang around my back garden smoking and drinking all night long. Well where did you think they went at night?

We can effectively take control of the money supply. Antismokers and the terrified simpletons won't touch it. Legal tender will be refused all over the place. Smokophobes will discover one of these in their cash and will try desperately to give it to someone else, but the only ones who will touch it will be smokers. Businesses who only employ fundamentalist antismokers will not be able to function.

All the money? Really? Surely only the stamped notes are contaminated? Ah, but what if we only stamp every other note? The stamped notes put the idea into the mass of gullible heads. They don't know which of the unstamped notes we might also have handled. Hey, antismoker. Fancy a game of smoker's roulette? Take a note, any note, might be marked, might not, might be saturated with smoke, might not. Take your chances.

They could be in your wallet right now. Sniff them carefully - oops! If there's smoke on them and you sniff them, it's already too late. Best to just burn the lot but do it outdoors because it's illegal to smoke indoors, you know.

So, are the population at large really stupid enough to fall for this? Yes. They are. At every level. A world of stupid. Give someone a peaked cap and their brain burns out and they believe anything that begins 'Studies have shown...' Actually, most don't even need the peaked cap. If ever there is a need for a brain transplant, we have an entire population of barely-used ones, some still in their wrapping, all ready for donation.

People believe that being fat and inactive will kill them and now they believe that being thin and active will kill them. Look, it's really simple. Are you alive? Yes? Then you're going to die. That's really all there is to it, so stop fretting about it because you will only make it happen sooner.

We live in a country where police feel justified in arresting you in case you do something, even if the thing you plan to do is not illegal. Where the Government actually believe they can measure happiness despite doing their best to reduce it to undetectable levels, and where the Archbeard of Canterbury thinks we're all concerned about some mysterious thing called GDP. Are we? Really? Easter holidays, Royal Wedding and then the May bank holiday mean nobody has done a damn thing for a fortnight, and we're all concerned about 'the economy?' Why would we worry about the economy? We don't have one any more. Labour spent it and Cameron is still giving it away to countries that are richer than us.

While we are at war with Afghanistan, Iraq and now Libya, what is our government's great concern? Whether the Tiny Blur and the Brown Gorgon should be allowed to blight the Royal wedding and Cameron's casual remark to some pig-faced bint who thinks it was an insult. She really should get out more.

So, can we convince the entire country that every note they hold has passed through the hands of a smoker? Could we extend it to 'packed by smokers' on egg boxes and frozen pizza and so on? Can we scare seven shades of shit out of every antismoker who spends a twenty and has to accept change?

Frankly, it would be a doddle.

They might arrest us for it but then, think of the publicity that would generate. One arrest on a charge of stamping on a banknote and every Mail reader will react in a way that will create a tsunami at the sewage works.

They can come at 3 am if they like. I'll still be up.

23 comments:

Groompy Tom said...

Love it, just love it.

Where can I order my stamp?

Leg-iron said...

I use Vistaprint.co.uk for business printing and making things like stamps.

Next order will include a stamp.

Anonymous said...

You Brits are going to love this one for your Smoker's war. It isn't just evil, it is salacious. Go to the supermarket; buy one of those little single serving deserts that are sold in clear plastic containers; like one slice of chocalate cake. Take it home. Eat it. Empty an ashtray into it. Reseal it. Write Butt Cake on it and return it to the store shelf where you bought it. Then hang around and watch the fireworks go off.. Bill in SD

Anonymous said...

"Give me control of a country's money supply and I care not who makes its laws.'"

The Jew Rothschild (1).

Will look for one of mt own! I hope that Angle Exile reads your post.

(1) from a famous German biopic of the family

Anonymous said...

@Bill in SD

Supermarkets are festooned with cameras here.

vervet said...

That old classic statistic is always relevant:

"100% of non-smokers die"

I recycle it frequently.

Anonymous said...

"So, can we convince the entire country that every note they hold has passed through the hands of a smoker?"

Of course, and most of them won't care.
A very few will have palpitations, but they are the ones who make all the noise.

I don't know a single person who has fallen for this tripe.

2003 - Lancet
"In response to the call in The Times, the Health Minister, Melanie Johnson, backed by John Reid, the Health Secretary, and Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, said that more needed to be done to persuade the public of the merits of a ban before it could be imposed."

Though they didn't succeed,the previous shower signed up to the FCTC and imposed it anyway.

Rose

Anonymous said...

Umm... the banknotes have cocaine on them because they are used to snort the stuff up. So they will have snot on them too...

The only danger of arrest would be if the stamp purchase is traced. How could they prove a particular note wasn't stamped when you got it?

Do they still make those kiddy play stamp sets...?

Oldrightie said...

Since the hoi poloi never handle money, impregnating it with toxic chemicals is no problem! great post, as ever.

Ed P said...

Fab idea!

I'm getting all these (self-inking, pocket-friendly) stamps made, to ensure blanket coverage of morons:

Handled by Smokers
Handled by Gays
Handled by Muslims (for the BNP idiots)
Possibly has traces of Anthrax
May contain toxins!
Not child-safe!
Carcinogenic ink!

Perhaps all in different colours, just to brighten up the world.

Katabasis said...

Not a smoker myself LI, but support your cause.

Count me in.

And we can count down the seconds before one of us is farcically arrested, possibly even under some "pre-crime" pretenses.

Katabasis said...

Following on from Ed P's post above, this could really have legs if we invite everyone else in other designated "lower other" groups.

A friend has suggested the following:

"Handled by Conservatives" in blue. "Handled by Meat Eaters" in red. "Handled by Climate Sceptics" in green...

LETS DO IT!!

CJ said...

The most sensitive spectrometers can detect picograms of contaminants or less. The coke story is true - most notes show some contamination - but when a note that has been used for snorting is tested the reading, in comparison, goes through the roof. Detectable amounts will linger on notes that have been in secondary or tertiary contact with primary sources for a very long time.

CJ said...

Tbh, I think "Handled by terrorists" or "Handled by pedophiles" would be be a better way of freaking out the general public.

Anonymous said...

It will put the power of fear behind those parental warnings to small children to not put money in their mouths when they find it lying on the ground. Why they could grow up to enjoy the pleasure of tobacco, erh, become filthy smokers, if they don't mind their parent's warning. Good idea, the stamper.

mister_choos said...

A "Handled bySmoker" note just nestled in the till next to their previously uncontaminated more Righteous fellows will surely become contaminated as well.

They will need to burn them all and start again. Smokers will have special tills outside to drop their filthy lucre into. These won't be allowed to be enclosed fully of course so windy days may cause some problems.

And all that evil nicotine on money with Her Maj on it will probably give her cancer. To the tower with all the treasonous smokers!

View from the Solent said...

LI,
looks like you won't be getting any competition from the younger generation.
slashdot

Leg-iron said...

Katabasis - If I was in London, the Met would have arrested me by now for merely suggesting the possibility of mentioning that smokers mught perhaps have touched money. The anti-tourist laws would cover it.

They'd find cameras (Oho, you take photos in public places) and many other non-criminal things to charge me with.

Fortunately I'm in Scotland where the police forces are not all yet required to have frontal lobotomies during training.

Yet.

Leg-iron said...

Bill in SD - Anon is right. We are watched all the time here. Our government is far too weak and paranoid to allow us any freedom.

Leg-iron said...

Rose - the noisy ones are the target ;)

Leg-iron said...

V from the S - that's been going on for some time. I remember my old Thomas Salter set which was full of things that burned and could be made to explode. It even had magnesium ribbon and guess what?

No safety glasses.

Anonymous said...

This is haleyrider,just was turned on to your blog........all I can say is WOOOOWWWWW!

Now lastnite was my kids birthday and we took him to our favorite SMOKING bingo hall and I bought him a slice of cake for his birthday.Well,Beverly informs me they have no candles,so as a former can do SEABEE I I lit a cig stuck it in the middle of his cake and we all sang happy birthday.I got a pic but now I gotta figure out how to download it to the net!

Anonymous said...

No fear though,remember a burning candle and its chemical components,not much diferent than the cig burning! LMAO

Harleyrider1978

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