The Smoke War.

David Nuttall, MP for Bury North, introduced a bill that sought to relax the bile and spite of the smoking ban. It failed, but not by anywhere near as much as ASH and the rest of the Fourth Reich would have liked. Despite their bringing out their pet attack dog to do their bidding, the vote, although lost, was not lost by all that much. The fight is not only not over, we are gaining ground.

The comments on Mr. Nuttall's original post were the usual "Ohh, its a bit smelly!" "Ohh, I have to wash and soap makes me itchy!" "Ohh, I might catch cancer!" from the general pool of ASH idiot-speak that a few of the masses have latched on to in lieu of real life. They really aren't anywhere near as numerous as they would like us to believe, and they are nowhere near as brave when confronted as they pretend. Best of all, their stupidity means they can be convinced of all sorts of things. I have not yet scared one to death but I continue to try. Cancer as a communicable disease? Death by odour? I didn't convince the idiots of that. ASH did. But I am perfectly willing to play with it.

We are now faced with the insanity of a claim that smoking produces methane. Methane. That's right. Natural gas. Gas that burns. Gas that ignites so easily that phosphene can do it in swamps. Yes, the idiots actually believe that a burning object can produce a combustible gas. I can hear scientific heads hitting desks all over the world. Except in Climatology labs where they are designing something to measure it and produce the required result. Just make it up guys, it's what you do anyway and it's cheaper that way.

You want to believe it? Fine. If you meet me, I will amplify it, and prove to you that asteroids home in on cigarette smoke and the nearer you are to me, the more likely you are to be hit. Run! No, run faster than that, there's a big one coming.

What mystifies me is the tobacco industry's stance on all this. They meekly add horrible warnings to packets even though they are to be hidden from view and even though they must know that the warnings are lies. They restrict overseas supplies when instructed even though it should make no difference to them where it's bought. They get the profit anyway, the difference is tax. Then they whine about Man with a Van selling 'contraband' that isn't. It's not illegal to buy any amount of tobacco anywhere in the EU and then take it to another part of the EU. It is illegal to run a business that pays no tax, as Man with a Van does, but that has nothing to do with what he sells. The tobacco is not, in itself, illegal.

The tobacco companies are not affected by this faux-smuggling. The tobacco has been bought, they have their profits, for them it makes no difference if Man with a Van sells it on. The only ones who lose out are the ever-hungry grasping fingers of government, who don't get the duty they need to smack down smokers harder. They try to make us feel guilty for not funding our own oppression and can't understand why we laugh at them.

So why are the tobacco industry even remotely interested in Man with a Van? He makes no difference to their profits. He pays their profits in another country.

It sounds rather like those pub collectives who blame anything but the smoking ban as the reason I, and millions like me, no longer prop up their bars. For me, and millions more, there really is no other reason. Price is irrelevant. I have been happy to spend money on pub prices in the past. It's not the booze, it's the company and we are now excluded from that. We don't pay 'for the pint'. If we just wanted 'the pint' we have always been able to get it cheaper in the supermarket. Always. It's not a new thing. No, we pay a premium to sit in the premises with our friends and maybe meet new ones.

We do not pay a premium to smoke in the rain, nor in a shelter that is illegal under animal welfare laws.

Like the pubs, the tobacco companies are blind to their real enemy. It is not the customer. It is those who hate that customer.

Yet they blame the customer. The pubs blame those who 'no longer support the local pub'. We should be supporting a business that despises us. Yes, and the BNP can legitimately complain that black people don't vote for them. I can't speak for anyone else but personally, I don't go to places where I am clearly not welcome.

The tobacco companies tell us we are evil smokers and shouldn't be buying their produce. Okay. Next year I start growing my own. It'll take a couple of years before I am free of Man with a Van but eventually there will be no more tobacco profits from me, so they can stop moaning. I wonder if I can make wine from the flowers? That would kick Buckfast into a cocked hat and send the Righteous into heart attack territory. Booze with nicotine in it. It has to be worth a try.

I'm denormalised. I'm a monster. I didn't create myself. Antismokers made me. Once I was just a guy who smoked but now I am a demon with a little bit of hell fire sticking out of my face. Well, that's what you wanted, isn't it, antismokers? You wanted absolute, untempered evil and here it is. Remember, you made it. I didn't. I'm the creation, not the creator. So when your kids come home crying, convinced they have hours to live because they harangued the stumpy smoker, remember, you wished it on them. You convinced them of my demonic power.

Don't think I won't use it.

What's that? Unfair? Nasty? Cruel? you think I shouldn't tell lies to your children? You think I should show decency and honour, antismokers? Like you?

Yes, like you. Your game, your rules. Truth is irrelevant, spin and lies are the weapons of the war. I'm your Frankenstein, antismokers, and I am not the only one.

We cannot rely on anyone, not even those who supply the tobacco we enjoy. The pubs pretend we don't matter and the Cleggeron Coagulation pretend we don't exist. Grow your own or buy from companies that are not at all connected to the UK government. They hate us, don't pay them to do it. If you can scare an antismoker into psychosomatic cancer, do it. They would do it to you. No mercy, no compromise, no prisoners. Not my rules. Antismoker rules. Fight on their terms because ours are too gentle.

There are 86 MPs on our side. We have not yet been defeated. The matter is far from settled.

This ban will break, If there is collateral damage among antismokers and their families, that's a shame. Always remember, we didn't start this war and we didn't define the rules of combat. Forget guilt and remorse, this is not a fair fight we are engaged in and if we show any trace of weakness, we lose. If antismokers find their children terrified, too bad. We did not convince those children of the boogeyman of second hand smoke, they did. Play with it and feel no shame when they run screaming.

Really, what can we lose? There is nothing left to us anyway. We are below paedophiles and the anally challenged already. We are barred from pubs and clubs and railway platforms and bus stations in case we interfere with the diesel fumes those antismokers love. There is nothing left to lose. The government are in the pocket of ASH and they will not listen.

We are fighting a war in which we cannot lose any more. So take off the gloves, forget compromise, and light up the tabs of war.



The enemy is merciless. Show none in return.