Thursday, 7 October 2010

Smoking Death is coming... in a while.

I always thought some sayings were just silly. Such as 'it's too cold to snow'. I's twenty below in Antarctica and there's snow over the entire continent. It can be too dry but not too cold.

Anyway, now I find I'm too tired to sleep and am attempting to remedy this with red wine (whisky doesn't make me sleepy. Wine usually does). A ridiculous situation, and one which makes me wonder if it can be too cold to snow after all.

Anyway, I see others have taken up the story of the smoking chimp who died. I liked this quote from his keeper -

Ms Khedama said she did not know whether the ape's bad smoking habit contributed to his demise and that post mortem to determine the exact cause of death would take place soon.

If smoking contributed to his demise then it means that Smoking Death arrives ten years later than Non-Smoking Death. I wonder if there are two scythe wielders, one standard scythe and one with a lighter in the end?

That would mean I'm lined up to meet Smoking Death one day but he's going to have to stop for a wheeze now and then, get close to my house and realise he's left his tobacco at home so he'll have to go back, hang around outside smoking rather than coming to get me inside, he can't get me on trains or buses or planes because he can't smoke in them and if I enter the grounds of the NHS I can claim sanctuary. Smoking Death has been banned. There's a really funny and dark story in there if I can just get through these samples (and get paid).

Smoking Death might try to sound all serious but offer him a cigarette and he'll chill, and probably forget what it was he wanted to be all serious about.

Non-Smoking Death is sprightly and fast. There's no escaping him. He can't be distracted with a bit of leaf and paper. He'll swing that scythe with precision, he won't be hit with a fit of coughing mid-stroke. You can easily tell Smoking Death from his brother. He has yellow ribs and he's a lot bigger and cleverer.

I think I'll take my chances with Smoking Death, thanks.

We are to be denied the longevity associated with Smoking Death if a certain empty suit has his way. I think he might find his opinions are becoming gradually less relevant, if the winner of the Telegraph photography competition is any indicator. It's not long ago that a picture like that would have been disqualified because there was smoke in it. Now it wins. The Dreadful Arnott's face will be cycling through tartans even now.

And then there's this guy, an anonymous cigar-chomper who has upstaged what is possibly the best golfing photo ever taken. He's the one regarded as the most interesting person in the shot. And he's the only one smoking. Poor Dreadful Arnott, her face will have moved out of the visible light spectrum at that. Which is a good thing, for the rest of us.

From commenter Carl Spackler on the listomania link -


Hang on to your chemical-filled air polluting fresheners, antismokers. We're coming back and Smoking Death is finding it hard to keep up.

Non-Smoking Death is, of course, much faster but then he doesn't like us. He likes you.

Aren't you lucky?


subrosa said...

LI Telegraph link bad.

A smoking death it is for me I'm sure.

JuliaM said...

Point of Pedantry coming up: a 'post mortem' on an animal isn't, no matter how human-like. It's a necropsy...

smoky said...

'Smoking should be banned in houses' drones are back again..

Anonymous said...

A small victory. About 2 yrs ago the hospitals in Leeds banned all smoking in the grounds of it's General Hospitals and removed the smoking shelters. Patients and visitors ignored the rule as no punishment could be inflicted on them, only on members of staff who were observed to break the rule.

Yesterday, I had an appointment at Leeds General Infirmary, and the smoking areas and shelters have been reinstated. It's not enough, but at least a small move in the right direction.

Anonymous said...

Peter Bottomley MP for Worthing has no time for amending the British TOTAL smoking ban,
he is fully occupied on a motion
Commons EDM 419

Losing faith in Democracy

JuliaM said...

Without wishing to investigate further, is he for more dolphins in Turkish theme parks, or fewer?

And if the latter, remind me not to buy any kebabs, should he succeed...

Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur said...

The comment I always like is

"If you give up smoking, drinking and chasing women you won't live any longer - it will just seem like it"

Word verification: futted

Sound like something Peter Mandelson has done to you

Leg-iron said...

Subrosa - link works for me. What error message do you get?

JuliaM - we used to call it 'dissection'. Although 'vivisection' is more fun.

Smoky - the idiots can try. They have many laws that let them in but not one law that lets them out. I will remind them of that. Once they're in.

Leg-iron said...

Anon - it won't change until they realise that they are causing more problems than they are solving, because smokers with any disease (smoking related or not) will not visit hospital until the last minute.

Antismoking will cost the NHS far more than smoking ever did.

Lady V - I am futtproof. Count Mandelstein has nothing to poke me with.
Anonagain - are these dolphins smoking, and do they have to go outside their tanks to do it?

banned said...

Smoking in cars is illegal in the Channel Isles and has been for years.
Any stats on their smoking related illneses?

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