Last night of Visitors. I will return to solitary grumpiness tomorrow, catch up on Emails, answer comments and resume proper blogging through a blue haze twice as thick as usual. I had forgotten one of the delights of pipe smoking, in that a gentle and continuous exhalation through a well-lit pipe can produce a 'factory chimney' effect and fill a room with aromatic smoke in seconds.
Despite the best efforts of those who want to spoil my fun with the truth, I will insist that all this smoke will travel through spacetime via special cigarette-shaped wormholes and seek out antismokers all over the planet, especially those who like to call for the Final Solution in every issue of the Daily Mail. Yes, you too can experience the wonder of nicotine-flavoured toenails, spontaneous generation of infections, exploding heart and lumpy lung by doing no more than reading your computer screen and curling your lip. Now that's equality.
I will, naturally, be oiling my internal blogging parts with alcohol, the better to let the bile flow. Unless the Man Whose Name Cannot Be Parodied has succeeded in banning it by then. I have stocks for a while at least and it wouldn't take long to make more if it came to that. It's all the same methods as used on smoking, naturally, and all the same idiot drones who latched onto the hate wagon last time will be riding this one too. I must prepare tales of woe and despair for them, of how the fumes from an open wine bottle can pass through walls and burrow into their children's ears where it will fester and grow until their eyes pop out on stalks.
I will consider it my public duty to explain to them that if they let their sprogs wander the booze aisle, they risk arrest and prosecution for child abuse. One sip of ginger beer and their kids are destined for a life in the gutter, soaked in urine (some of it their own) and shouting 'Graaah!' at passers-by. I will, however, make no attempt to conceal my mirth when the few cases so far reported of adults being refused alcohol 'in case they give it to the child who is with them' becomes the normal sales approach in every shop. Will my laughing anger them? Well it's about time something did.
Oh, and let's not forget alcohol's homeopathic tendency to become extra-toxic when present in tiny and barely detectable quantities, as found on every article of clothing in every charity shop and every item in any shop anywhere that anyone who likes a glass of sherry might have breathed. Then there is the accumulation of alcohol in their toenails for those who haven't already ripped theirs out to escape the nicotine horror.
It won't be hard. The idiots are already primed to accept any old nonsense. They enjoy being terrified of everything. I'm just being helpful and socially responsible here.
They want to be weak and worthless. Help them on their way.
And I haven't even started on cough medicine or after-shave yet.
Well, best get some sleep. Tomorrow I have much smoking to do and as Ed P pointed out, tomorrow is ASH Wednesday.
I hope I have enough lighter fuel.