Thursday, 13 January 2011

Soldiers risk their lives...

...by having a beer.

Yes, never mind the bullets or the bombs, forget death or dismemberment, the real risk of soliderhood is having a fat bum from drinking a bit more than is allowed. The horror!

I've never been in a war (rated Z-get-out-you-useless-article on the military scale of fitness) but if I was, and if I escaped with no more than a rounder backside to show for it, I'd be pretty chuffed, to be honest.

This is, of course, the latest insanity from the gibbering idiots we have allowed to take charge of us. Soldiers face bullets and explosions, they risk death or debilitation and they are paid far less than the pompous lardasses who sit at home with their maps and their little toy tanks. Already they are told that smoking is worse for them than bullets, and now it seems that coming home with chubby buttocks is worse than coming home in a box. Odd set of priorities our leaders have there, don't you think?

No matter how many calories a soldier consumes, they'll be burnt off. They could live on lard and Guinness and not get fat. Oh, but we can't let that get in the way of the Puritan Directive.

Binge drinking for men is defined as drinking more than eight units of alcohol, or about three pints of strong beer. For women, it is drinking more than six units of alcohol, equivalent to two large glasses of wine.

Define it how you like. I've polished off half a bottle of Napoleon brandy tonight and I'm now on the Glayva (no proper whisky in the house). I have no military training but if someone breaks in now, I have a handy poker that says they won't be leaving tonight and I can still swing it fast. I also have abbatoir skills that say they won't be leaving all at once. I'm sure a bigger, fitter soldier could handle far more booze than me and still be capable of popping a Taliban turban pin at five hundred yards.

Look, I know our dozy rulers can't figure out that we out here in the Real World just want to be left alone but really, if you're asking someone to risk their lives for a cause that Barry O'Blimey's government don't even appreciate, the very least you can do is let them spend their limited leisure time in any way they see fit.

Soldiers face down tanks and guns and turbaned ruffians every day. If you're going to ban their smokes and limit their beer on the utterly ridiculous premise that 'it risks their health' you can shove it where the sun don't shine and set fire to it, then put out the fire with a broken bottle filled with bleach.

Drink on, soldiers, and remember, if anyone tries to stop you, you're the only ones who have guns now.

You'll find you have no shortage of alibis.

10 comments:

Neal Asher said...

Madness and, as you note, the risk a soldier is more concerned about is not a fat bum, but having no legs attached below it.

Furor Teutonicus said...

Not unusual.

You are not allowed to clean your bayonet with aftershave either, because it may kill the enemy.

Now if I use a bayonet, and the bastard has to wait to die of blood poisoning, my old Seargeant would have had MY guts for bloodyx garters, even if the said "poisoned" enemy had not done it first.

Furor Teutonicus said...

Follow ups.

Random Squaddie said...

Wow, the Daily Mail are really up to the minute on this one! These posters have been up for at least 18 months or so. We (soldiers) also have a mandatory brief every year about the dangers of binge drinking - we're told to "drink until the buzz".

Well, my "buzz" happens to take about 2-3 bottles of wine before it kicks in.

To be fair, this sort of crap isn't actually taken very seriously. It's more the Army covering its own arse so that they can turn around and say "We told them". It's the same reason we're taught "what to do if you see a Nuke go off".

There are occasions where drinking in the Army is verboten and with good reason. Afghanistan is a dry tour because there is a constant high threat level and people need to remain alert. The first 6-12 months in Iraq were the same - although I did have quite a few bottles of "shampoo" sent to me (top tip: Organics shampoo is exactly the sane colour as Jack Daniels - just make sure they clean the bottle thoroughly!).

However, when the threat level reduces the Army sensibly allow drinking back in. Normally this starts with the "two can rule" - fairly obviously this means you're allowed two cans. By the end of my time in Bosnia (and Kosovo for that matter) we took this to mean that you had to have two cans on the table at any given time (and at a dollar a can we got shit faced every night).

So, while there are times when drinking is controlled or banned for good reason in the forces, for the real attitude towards alcohol you only need to look as far as any offficial function where soldiers get together.

Most of the time these are compulsory and the booze is either free or highly subsidised (by a fund paid into over the year by all ranks). Similarly, extra duties of some sorts are often paid for in the currency of crates of beer.

There is a massive drinking culture in the Army but do you know the best bit? It is illegal to be drunk, on or off duty (contrary to the Army Act 1955).

Basically, whatever you do, the Army can find some loophole to fuck you over!

Still wouldn't want to be a civvy though!

Dick Puddlecote said...

So all the exercise and fitness training that soldiers take part in can be trumped by more than 3 units of alcohol in a day? What a load of b... (Ooops, nearly broke your profanity etiquette there, LI) ;)

Random Squaddie: Top post, very interesting.

Frank Davis said...

Soldiers face down tanks and guns and turbaned ruffians every day. If you're going to ban their smokes and limit their beer on the utterly ridiculous premise that 'it risks their health' you can shove it where the sun don't shine and set fire to it, then put out the fire with a broken bottle filled with bleach.

Exactly! Couldn't have put it better.

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

This is really insulting, if you think of those suffering from PTSD and the reasons why.

It implies that booze is to blame, rather than a soldier's experience of trauma and the lack of help from the Army.

The Bastard Army needs to understand that they have a duty of care towards their employees, particularly when they leave and are out in civvy street, where once again the taxpayer foots the bill.

Anonymous said...

They just can't help themselves, can they, these Righteous types? Where's the reasoning behind this ludicruous pronouncement? Maybe they're hoping that the strong affection that they know the public have for our forces can be used to kick-start an anti-alcohol movement for which they know nobody really has any appetite after all the hectoring and nagging and bullying we've had to put up with for the last four decades. Perhaps they're now so worried about the increasingly large numbers of people who are getting wise to the tactics they use in these "campaigns" and who thus simply don't take any notice any more, that they feel that desperate measure are needed to bring all us plebs back "on track."

Who knows? Perhaps the anti-alcohol movement's mantra won't be "for the sake of the cheeldren" but "for the sake of 'our boys'" I certainly wouldn't put that kind of emotional blackmail past them.

Furor Teutonicus said...

XX sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...
The Bastard Army needs to understand that they have a duty of care towards their employees, particularly when they leave and are out in civvy street,Xx

Since when did that bother the army?

After the battle of Waterloo, soldiers were "demobbed" on the spot. Last weeks wages, and abandoned in Belgium..... in the days BEFORE the channel tunnel.

The civvy scum "running" the army have still got their heads stuffed up those days.

Chalcedon said...

How old are most soldiers? Late teens to mid 20s or there abouts. I could drink and drink at that age, eat like a horse and remain thin and active. Most soldiers are the same. Smoking? Well, it helps relieve stress and in combat situations that is a constant.

I must be a binge drinker having 4 pints with my bother and a mate last Friday night. Cracking stuff.

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