Beverage alert. Put the drink down and back away before reading. I am in red wine mood this evening.
Should we drink milk, asks Yahoo Health?
Obviously not, because we don't want to end up like the guy in the video. Sucking down the bodily secretions of another species is bound to turn you a bit strange.
It's nice though, isn't it? Imagine cornflakes with water. It would be like licking a wet leper. Coco Pops turning the water brown holds little appeal, let's be honest here. Capuccino would only be possible with a good dose of steamed phlegm. On the whole, milk is a better option for those things even if it does involve fondling a cow's boobs.
We've made a whole range of cheeses from a combination of milk, bacteria and fungi, all set into lumps by rennet, which is extracted from the stomachs of calves. Put like that, it doesn't sound quite so great so let's just stick with names like Stilton, Camembert and Danish blue. That sounds much better.
We do, after all, drink alcohol which is just yeast urine, and coffee which is mashed plant gonads in hot water. With milk. There are people who have cut-off plant genitals in vases around their houses, and stick their noses into them. So being squeamish about stomach-enzyme treated, bacterially decayed, mouldy cow-tit fluid is just silly. Cheese is good melted on toast with chopped chilli and a bit of onion. Cheese, onion and cucumber sandwiches are fantastic. Stilton is the excuse we need to drink port. It is an important cultural disgusting habit.
It has just occurred to me that the fear-filled who believe in all that third hand smoke crap have not heard anything yet. I'd better get my horns polished and my tail ironed. I have work to enjoy.
There was one thing missing from that article though. If you want to avoid the milky-milky stuff and still get calcium, here's their answer.
Good non dairy sources include fortified soy milk, collards, baked beans, boy choy, and supplements that contain calcium and vitamin D.
No mention of red meat, nor of sucking the marrow out of bones (now come on, I am surely not the only one). Soy milk? Soy doesn't suckle its young. Collards, what are they? Boy choy, no, I don't want to know. Beans have musical side effects and supplements are entirely artificial foods.
I'll stick with beef, and with sucking out that marrow.
Oh, and cheese, of course.
What the hell is a collard anyway? A mallard in a bow tie?