About this time of year, schizophrenia grips every child in the country as their parents turn reality on its head. It's good for the pharmaceutical industry. They'll sell more happy pills to people who don't really need them.
All year, kids have been told 'Don't talk to strangers. Stay away from strangers. Don't accept anything from strangers. When a stranger tries to give you something nice it means he's going to kill you. Strangers are evil. Strangers want to poke things into your naughty places and then boil you and eat you and make flutes from your ribs and use your skull as an ashtray. Strangers are nasty, filthy, evil people who drink and smoke and eat fatty foods and they must be run away from. Always run screaming to the police if any strangers come near you.'
Then, without warning, these same children are told that a strange old man with a sack is going to sneak into the house at midnight, tiptoe into their bedroom while they're asleep and give them lots of nice things. They have to be asleep because they mustn't see him and if they ever do, they mustn't ever tell anyone at all. Oh, and he likes a mince pie and a glass of sherry, and perhaps a cigar, in every house he visits.
I'm surprised any child can sleep on Christmas Eve. This fat, drink-sozzled, tobacco-laden stranger is coming into their bedrooms in the middle of the night and he has a sack! I bet they lie there wide awake all night clutching the biggest kitchen knife they can reach.
These are the same parents who wonder why their kids grow up deranged.
Santa's days are numbered anyway. He drinks, smokes and eats too much and he hasn't been CRB checked. He gets a worse press than Satan these days. Next year it'll be Ed Balls sneaking into your child's room and staring at them, Gollum-eyed, while he fills their stockings with dictionaries of text-message spellings and A-levels in socialist dogma. Make sure your child has a really big wooden stake and a mallet to hand.
I don't know why anyone has children these days. They sound expensive to run and they make a lot of noise. Now you can't smoke in your own house if you have a child infestation and you can't drink in there either. If you do, they'll tell teacher and teacher will call the police. If they don't tell teacher, then teacher is authorised to use thumbscrews to get them to confess. You're expected to lie to them about everything and then when they find out you're lying, you get the blame for that too. Socialist Services take far too much interest in you when these creatures take root. You're better off having rats.
Imagine that. Coming home to wife/civil partner to be told 'I hear the patter of tiny feet'.
'Oh my God! Don't say we've got...'
'Rats? Phew. That's a relief.'
Adopt those rats and send them off to be educated. They stand as much chance as a child in the current system and will probably end up just as qualified even though the only word they know is 'eeek' and they can't spell it. They can look forward to a career in parliament just like their real parents.
There was a time when people looked forward to having children. Children were something to be treasured and nurtured. Now they are a serious liability.
I'm going out to burn a gooseberry bush and kill a stork. You can't be too careful.