This country has just elected its first Green MP. One of those who believe we must all manage with no gas or electricity in order to stop the planet warming up.
It is the 10th of May, 10 pm. Four days after the Green MP was elected.
It is snowing outside.
See what you did, Green voters? You annoyed God. Now we're all in trouble.
Next time, think before you vote.
Monday, 10 May 2010
Last throes of the Gorgon.
The Brown Gorgon has pretended to resign to let the Lib Dems believe they can trust his party. He's not actually going to leave until an unspecified date in 'the autumn' so we're stuck with that unwashed-laundry face for months yet. The Lib Dems are now in talks with Labour and this is going to be interesting.
As Obo points out, the combination of Labour, Lib Dems, a mish-mash of nationalists and one Green is going to be a total shambles. Especially in the months of Gorgon's dying rule. He knows he's done for now, he has nothing to lose. The real madness begins now.
It'll be 'progressive' all right, but it will progress in entirely the wrong direction. The EU will take more and more of both power and money, the nanny state will become unbearable even to the socialists and the recession will hit the ground harder than a UKIP light plane. They won't be walking away from the wreckage with cuts and bruises because unlike Farage's pilot, they won't be trying not to crash and they won't even see the ground coming.
Then there'll be another election and this time there will be a wipeout. Those nationalist parties have spent a lot of time and effort getting their few MPs each. They will be hammered by association. They can't see it coming either. The country is in debt up to its eyeballs, huge cuts are inevitable and King Mervyn of Money is right - whoever takes control now is going to get the blame.
Of course, there will still be Labour seats where their voters live in Playstation bubbles, anaesthetised with Stella and handouts. Even so, some of them might fall too once the IMF order cuts in the vast range of benefits now on offer. Oh yes, Labour drones, they will. The IMF have only one interest - sorting out the bank balance - and they don't give a damn about the social impact of it. You'll get pocket money and that's it.
The best part is, the Tories will be apoplectic. Cameron will be relegated to tea boy with Osborne as assistant tea boy and the party might even cotton on to the idea of actually listening to the electorate for a change. By the time another election rolls up, they might even be willing to mention the EU and the smoking ban and many other things that wrecked their vote this time. Instead of working out compromises with other parties, they might even realise that actually asking people what they want from government might be a good idea. That would be a novelty.
It wasn't UKIP that spoiled your victory, Tories. It was you. Unless you can accept that and analyse truthfully the reasons it happened, you are going to do it again. Look up 'personal responsibility' in the dusty old Tory handbooks.
If Nick Clegg sticks with the Tories we'll have a muddle-along government until they hit one of those issues they cannot possibly agree on, and the thing will collapse and most likely end up with another indecisive election result.
If Nick Clegg sticks with Labour, along with the fringe players, and if he sticks it out long enough to see us get another unelected Prime Monster, he will deal socialism a blow that will make East Germany's collapse look like a light tap with a feather. If Labour choose Ed Balls, he could be the first sitting Prime Minister to lose his seat in a general election.
So go for it, Lib Dems. We won't forget your selfless act of self-destruction in order to obliterate this horror of a government. We might even erect a statue dedicated to the 'ah... um' party.
For the moment though, we can breathe a little sigh of relief because the end of the Gorgon is in sight. Not clearly in view yet, still some way off, but it is coming.
So, just for you, Gorgon, a little ditty. Note: This is more than slightly sweary so if that sort of thing offends you, you can choose not to watch it, or choose to watch it and be offended. If you choose the latter course, you can then watch me not care.
As Obo points out, the combination of Labour, Lib Dems, a mish-mash of nationalists and one Green is going to be a total shambles. Especially in the months of Gorgon's dying rule. He knows he's done for now, he has nothing to lose. The real madness begins now.
It'll be 'progressive' all right, but it will progress in entirely the wrong direction. The EU will take more and more of both power and money, the nanny state will become unbearable even to the socialists and the recession will hit the ground harder than a UKIP light plane. They won't be walking away from the wreckage with cuts and bruises because unlike Farage's pilot, they won't be trying not to crash and they won't even see the ground coming.
Then there'll be another election and this time there will be a wipeout. Those nationalist parties have spent a lot of time and effort getting their few MPs each. They will be hammered by association. They can't see it coming either. The country is in debt up to its eyeballs, huge cuts are inevitable and King Mervyn of Money is right - whoever takes control now is going to get the blame.
Of course, there will still be Labour seats where their voters live in Playstation bubbles, anaesthetised with Stella and handouts. Even so, some of them might fall too once the IMF order cuts in the vast range of benefits now on offer. Oh yes, Labour drones, they will. The IMF have only one interest - sorting out the bank balance - and they don't give a damn about the social impact of it. You'll get pocket money and that's it.
The best part is, the Tories will be apoplectic. Cameron will be relegated to tea boy with Osborne as assistant tea boy and the party might even cotton on to the idea of actually listening to the electorate for a change. By the time another election rolls up, they might even be willing to mention the EU and the smoking ban and many other things that wrecked their vote this time. Instead of working out compromises with other parties, they might even realise that actually asking people what they want from government might be a good idea. That would be a novelty.
It wasn't UKIP that spoiled your victory, Tories. It was you. Unless you can accept that and analyse truthfully the reasons it happened, you are going to do it again. Look up 'personal responsibility' in the dusty old Tory handbooks.
If Nick Clegg sticks with the Tories we'll have a muddle-along government until they hit one of those issues they cannot possibly agree on, and the thing will collapse and most likely end up with another indecisive election result.
If Nick Clegg sticks with Labour, along with the fringe players, and if he sticks it out long enough to see us get another unelected Prime Monster, he will deal socialism a blow that will make East Germany's collapse look like a light tap with a feather. If Labour choose Ed Balls, he could be the first sitting Prime Minister to lose his seat in a general election.
So go for it, Lib Dems. We won't forget your selfless act of self-destruction in order to obliterate this horror of a government. We might even erect a statue dedicated to the 'ah... um' party.
For the moment though, we can breathe a little sigh of relief because the end of the Gorgon is in sight. Not clearly in view yet, still some way off, but it is coming.
So, just for you, Gorgon, a little ditty. Note: This is more than slightly sweary so if that sort of thing offends you, you can choose not to watch it, or choose to watch it and be offended. If you choose the latter course, you can then watch me not care.
Old dog, new tricks.
I am a scientist, not a politician. I can't lie to people. It's the reason I could never consider a job in sales because I'd be forever pointing out that a cheaper model will do everything the customer needs so they can save a fortune by not buying top-of-the-range. I would never sell a £2000 computer to someone who only wants to play games on it. I'd sell them a PS3 or Xbox instead. So I wouldn't last long in sales.
Therefore, if I am going to get serious about causing ripples in an election, I have to find out how the whole system works and calculate the best approach. I can't finance even a local campaign so I'd have to ask for donations and I am not going to ask for donations unless I can expect to at least have a chance of retaining my deposit.
Realistically, I am not going to win on the first outing. What I will be aiming for is getting a place on the leaderboard. Here the Lib Dems and SNP have the top two spots with five-figure voting numbers. Labour were third on 9800, Tories fourth on 9000. I cannot realistically expect to top that as an unknown on his first outing, certainly not as an independent, nor even if I was UKIP or LPUK.
The Greens scored 752 here, the BNP 699. Those are figures I can fight. I can aim for fifth place and I will not do it by targeting BNP or Green voters but by targeting the ones above. I have no interest in converting the other small-party voters, in fact I would encourage others to vote for those small parties even though I don't agree with their policies. My aim is not to win first time, that would be insanely optimistic, but to make a dent. To chip away at that 'safe seat' mentality and hopefully open the cracks a little wider.
This is an entirely new departure for me. I have no idea what is involved and will need to spend some time researching the details of this ritual and what hurdles are in the way. There will be time, some months at least I hope, although a rapid second election will stop me.
I can't rush things. It's not in my nature. I have to know the details of the game before I play.
First of all I have to analyse the reasons why perfectly sensible candidates polled so few votes. It will take time, but it's important to get it right.
One advantage - none of the main parties will bother.
Therefore, if I am going to get serious about causing ripples in an election, I have to find out how the whole system works and calculate the best approach. I can't finance even a local campaign so I'd have to ask for donations and I am not going to ask for donations unless I can expect to at least have a chance of retaining my deposit.
Realistically, I am not going to win on the first outing. What I will be aiming for is getting a place on the leaderboard. Here the Lib Dems and SNP have the top two spots with five-figure voting numbers. Labour were third on 9800, Tories fourth on 9000. I cannot realistically expect to top that as an unknown on his first outing, certainly not as an independent, nor even if I was UKIP or LPUK.
The Greens scored 752 here, the BNP 699. Those are figures I can fight. I can aim for fifth place and I will not do it by targeting BNP or Green voters but by targeting the ones above. I have no interest in converting the other small-party voters, in fact I would encourage others to vote for those small parties even though I don't agree with their policies. My aim is not to win first time, that would be insanely optimistic, but to make a dent. To chip away at that 'safe seat' mentality and hopefully open the cracks a little wider.
This is an entirely new departure for me. I have no idea what is involved and will need to spend some time researching the details of this ritual and what hurdles are in the way. There will be time, some months at least I hope, although a rapid second election will stop me.
I can't rush things. It's not in my nature. I have to know the details of the game before I play.
First of all I have to analyse the reasons why perfectly sensible candidates polled so few votes. It will take time, but it's important to get it right.
One advantage - none of the main parties will bother.
Which planet is this? Earth or Vulcan?
John Redwood has always seemed to me to be a reasonable sort of chap, for a politician. Okay, there's rather a lot of the 'Live long and prosper' about him but that's only fair since Labour have Captain Kirk on their side. All we need now is 'It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim' from a Lib Dem and 'She cannae tak' much more o' this' from an SNP guy and we have the set. Unfortunately the one we are most likely to hear is Chekov stating 'Course set and locked, Captain'. Again.
This, though, is just stupid. Even for a politician from another world.
Could UKIP supporters explain why it helped to prevent Eurosceptic Conservatives winning in 21 seats, so giving us a a more pro EU Parliament?
Spock complains that you terrible UKIP voters insisted on voting for the party you wanted to win rather than the one he wanted to win. What happened to logic? What happened to democracy? Is this, or is it not, a case of ordering people to vote as instructed and then berating them for not doing so?
One of his commenters thinks it is time for UKIP to disband because they are taking Tory votes. They are not taking Tory votes.
Tories are losing them.
Tories are losing votes because of that cast-iron guarantee on Lisbon. Tories are losing votes because they talk of civil liberties while talking about controls on eating and drinking. Tories are losing votes because of that Ban that Dare Not Speak Its Name. There are many reasons the Tories don't have a majority and UKIP is not one of them.
Yes, Tories, you have made it clear that you hate smokers, drinkers, fat people, climate heretics, people who don't want to give more money to the EU and many more.
Then you whine when we don't vote for you. You whine even more when we vote for a party that doesn't hate us.
It can all be summed up in one short word, really.
LISTEN.
Can you? Will you even try?
Or are you waiting for the flaming brands and pitchforks?
This, though, is just stupid. Even for a politician from another world.
Could UKIP supporters explain why it helped to prevent Eurosceptic Conservatives winning in 21 seats, so giving us a a more pro EU Parliament?
Spock complains that you terrible UKIP voters insisted on voting for the party you wanted to win rather than the one he wanted to win. What happened to logic? What happened to democracy? Is this, or is it not, a case of ordering people to vote as instructed and then berating them for not doing so?
One of his commenters thinks it is time for UKIP to disband because they are taking Tory votes. They are not taking Tory votes.
Tories are losing them.
Tories are losing votes because of that cast-iron guarantee on Lisbon. Tories are losing votes because they talk of civil liberties while talking about controls on eating and drinking. Tories are losing votes because of that Ban that Dare Not Speak Its Name. There are many reasons the Tories don't have a majority and UKIP is not one of them.
Yes, Tories, you have made it clear that you hate smokers, drinkers, fat people, climate heretics, people who don't want to give more money to the EU and many more.
Then you whine when we don't vote for you. You whine even more when we vote for a party that doesn't hate us.
It can all be summed up in one short word, really.
LISTEN.
Can you? Will you even try?
Or are you waiting for the flaming brands and pitchforks?
Brain damage.
Well, actually it's about damage to a guy's bag of lumps but since most women think we keep our brains in there anyway...
It's not quite true, ladies, we have another brain in there that takes control while the main brain is saying 'Gah' and drooling at you.
Apparently males are becoming less fertile and the entire human race will be extinct within a couple of generations. Sort of makes the whole 'global warming' thing and the 'hit by an asteroid' worry pale into irrelevance, doesn't it? No need to worry about education, there won't be anyone to educate in a century from now and as for teen pregnancy, well it simply cannot be happening unless the last remaining fertile male is a human tomcat.
There are six billion people on this planet. A drop in fertility is not a bad thing. Really. Even if it was real, which the exponential population increase seems to suggest it isn't.
If it is happening, can we please shut up now about energy use, peak oil and global warming and all the rest of it? None of that is going to happen if our peckers all dry up. Even if it does, there won't be anyone here to see it.
Guess who's to blame?
Factors such as women eating a lot of beef during pregnancy - which means they have consumed a diet rich in polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs) that are potentially damaging chemicals -
Red meat. Ooooo, never, surely? Not the stuff the Righteous have been trying to make us stop eating for years? What a coincidence.
to the issue of obesity during pregnancy
Obesity is to blame here too? Another coincidence!
and a woman's exposure to smoke,
Well, that particular coincidence had to come. So even though smoking is now banned in all public places, smokers can be refused jobs simply because they are smokers, and smoking prevalence is around 20-25% or less whereas in the years before the 1960's baby boom it was over 90%... smoking causes infertility. It says so on the packets but don't worry guys because other packets say it causes impotence so infertility doesn't matter. Don't let the facts get in the way - far fewer smokers and increased infertility can only mean smoking is to blame. We're not alone on this one though. This is a real Righteous lie-fest.
pesticides, traffic fumes, plastics and even soya beans are all thought to have a bearing on a male foetus's future fertility.
Pesticides must be banned and all food grown organic, beetle-ridden and covered in fungus. Traffic fumes - hey drivers, you're on the block again. Plastics are not Green and you have to run a computer with a raffia-woven casing and go back to the iron kettle on the hob for your tea. Soya beans are a new one. Something to do with soya production being in the hands of big business these days, perhaps?
The Daily Terror even has a case study of an unfortunate infertile man and it can't simply be because...
My mother took Thalidomide for morning sickness. When the scandal broke in 1962, GPs offered free abortions, but my mother was too far gone by two weeks.'
Unlike the majority of Thalidomide babies, Karl was born seemingly healthy. But he has suffered from asthma since birth.
As thalidomide cases go, getting out of it with asthma and infertility is a big lottery win. Many of those thalidomide children would have given their right stump to have been born only with asthma and infertility. It is a shame he is infertile but when you look at what could have been, he was damn lucky.
He is also around 48 now which is a time when male fertility is hardly at its peak anyway. It might not even be the thalidomide.
And yet he is a father due to IVF. So he wasn't firing blanks, he just had shells with fewer than average pellets. He's not even a real case of infertility!
The whole story is scaremongering at its best and the best part is, a moment's thought shows it to be self-repairing scaremongering.
If fertility declines, the population goes down. Less pollution, less oil use, less pesticide use because there'd be no need for high yields, less smoking, less of everything that's claimed to cause these problems. Then fertility can recover and here we go again.
I think this one smacks of real desperation. The end of this round of Righteousness can't be far away now.
It's not quite true, ladies, we have another brain in there that takes control while the main brain is saying 'Gah' and drooling at you.
Apparently males are becoming less fertile and the entire human race will be extinct within a couple of generations. Sort of makes the whole 'global warming' thing and the 'hit by an asteroid' worry pale into irrelevance, doesn't it? No need to worry about education, there won't be anyone to educate in a century from now and as for teen pregnancy, well it simply cannot be happening unless the last remaining fertile male is a human tomcat.
There are six billion people on this planet. A drop in fertility is not a bad thing. Really. Even if it was real, which the exponential population increase seems to suggest it isn't.
If it is happening, can we please shut up now about energy use, peak oil and global warming and all the rest of it? None of that is going to happen if our peckers all dry up. Even if it does, there won't be anyone here to see it.
Guess who's to blame?
Factors such as women eating a lot of beef during pregnancy - which means they have consumed a diet rich in polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs) that are potentially damaging chemicals -
Red meat. Ooooo, never, surely? Not the stuff the Righteous have been trying to make us stop eating for years? What a coincidence.
to the issue of obesity during pregnancy
Obesity is to blame here too? Another coincidence!
and a woman's exposure to smoke,
Well, that particular coincidence had to come. So even though smoking is now banned in all public places, smokers can be refused jobs simply because they are smokers, and smoking prevalence is around 20-25% or less whereas in the years before the 1960's baby boom it was over 90%... smoking causes infertility. It says so on the packets but don't worry guys because other packets say it causes impotence so infertility doesn't matter. Don't let the facts get in the way - far fewer smokers and increased infertility can only mean smoking is to blame. We're not alone on this one though. This is a real Righteous lie-fest.
pesticides, traffic fumes, plastics and even soya beans are all thought to have a bearing on a male foetus's future fertility.
Pesticides must be banned and all food grown organic, beetle-ridden and covered in fungus. Traffic fumes - hey drivers, you're on the block again. Plastics are not Green and you have to run a computer with a raffia-woven casing and go back to the iron kettle on the hob for your tea. Soya beans are a new one. Something to do with soya production being in the hands of big business these days, perhaps?
The Daily Terror even has a case study of an unfortunate infertile man and it can't simply be because...
My mother took Thalidomide for morning sickness. When the scandal broke in 1962, GPs offered free abortions, but my mother was too far gone by two weeks.'
Unlike the majority of Thalidomide babies, Karl was born seemingly healthy. But he has suffered from asthma since birth.
As thalidomide cases go, getting out of it with asthma and infertility is a big lottery win. Many of those thalidomide children would have given their right stump to have been born only with asthma and infertility. It is a shame he is infertile but when you look at what could have been, he was damn lucky.
He is also around 48 now which is a time when male fertility is hardly at its peak anyway. It might not even be the thalidomide.
And yet he is a father due to IVF. So he wasn't firing blanks, he just had shells with fewer than average pellets. He's not even a real case of infertility!
The whole story is scaremongering at its best and the best part is, a moment's thought shows it to be self-repairing scaremongering.
If fertility declines, the population goes down. Less pollution, less oil use, less pesticide use because there'd be no need for high yields, less smoking, less of everything that's claimed to cause these problems. Then fertility can recover and here we go again.
I think this one smacks of real desperation. The end of this round of Righteousness can't be far away now.
Sunday, 9 May 2010
The Dance of the Headless Chickens.
I've never seen anything like it.
These are the people we entrust with running the whole country. The ones we allow to represent us to other countries, the ones whose laws we are compelled to obey and the ones who take a large chunk of our earnings to pay for things whether we want them or not. They are running around like recently decapitated poultry.
Here's a fun idea. Whichever party wins, only those who voted for them will pay any tax at all. Voting would have to be compulsory or nobody would do it but since the risk of actually paying for your decision exists, everyone will vote for whoever promises to steal the least. Oh, and they can't increase taxes for the duration of their government.
It would stabilise eventually. To start with they'd all promise ridiculously low tax rates but they'd find they couldn't run the country on that and then they'd collapse. There'd be another election in which all parties would look at what they really need to run an administration and come up with a figure that would be realistic.
No party can reveal their tax rates until a set date and then they can't change them. Collusion would be punishable by life in prison (because it would involve deceiving the entire country, that is the only fair penalty). So they would have to work out the minimum they need and pitch for our contracts to govern. No party will have easy-money to fiddle around with ridiculous schemes. They will all have to concentrate on simply running the country.
Never happen. It probably wouldn't even work. Nice dream, though. Pity we aren't living in a dream.
There's more of the Nightmare on Downing Street about the aftermath of this election. The Gorgon has nailed himself into No. 10 and donned his bladed glove in case the Cameroid tries to get in (I should look out my copy of Freddie vs Jason for tomorrow evening) and both are despised by their own parties, yet both are trying to make friends with another party they have both despised for decades because only the Clegg (it's already an insult in Scotland) who has the least MPs of the three, can decide who runs the country...
Excuse me while I pour another drink. This can't possibly end up with any sensible outcome. It's starting to look as if Clegg should be PM because he's going to to be the only original leader of the three main parties by the end of the week.
The Gorgon has had a tantrum, is to be deposed by either Ed Nuts or Bananas Moribund or perhaps even by Hideous Harman, although the current majority on Ed Nuts' seat means he isn't exactly in a safe place and could easily be dry-roasted in another election. So a dodgy choice for leader, although he would provide a final, firework-laden exit for Labour if they chose him. The Gorgon has, it seems, done a Charles I and fled north to the Scots to escape the wrath of the Puritan Lord Protector, Cameroid. They'll throw him back, like last time. His party is in debt to a degree that would even worry Labour and if there's an election within a year, I'd be better funded than them even if I'm working with zero. The party is fighting within itself harder than it is fighting anyone else.
The Tories are not happy with the Cameroid's 'Crown Prince' approach to government which looks to be exactly the same as the Gorgon's. I will make the decisions, you just shut up and vote as directed. Rank and file Tories think he is useless, his major donor is furious with him and if he doesn't get a deal with the Clegg they will rip his intestines out and decorate a tree with them. The Cleggites (must find a better name since they look like being around a while) want him to ditch George Osborne and most of his MPs want him to ditch all his little gang and actually talk to them for a change. Tory MPs - try to imagine how the voters feel. You think the leadership won't listen to you? It's a hundred times worse for the rest of us.
The Tories think their vote was split by UKIP. Why did so many vote UKIP? Same reason I would have, if there had been one here. You threw away a lot of seats by joining in with those who regard a large section of the population as subhuman, Cameroid. You could have walked it with our help. You told us to get outside and you made it clear you hate us. Who? Oh, come on, are we bloody invisible already? It's a big part of my campaign and while I wouldn't ever win, I'm certainly going to hurt and there is not a thing any of those big parties can do to stop it.
The Tories are too busy fighting amongst themselves to put up any effective fight outside.
These politicos put enormous effort into gaining the 'gay vote' without once considering that gay people are people first, gay second. They are not political pawns. They are not all Stonewall. They are not one homogeneous gang of Larry Grayson lookalikes (I loved his show as a child long before I had any idea what 'gay' meant. Julian Clary - nah. Funny at first but there's only so many innuendo jokes you can stomach. He even missed the obvious - in context, 'innuendo' is an innuendo). They miss the point that their 'gay people' slot is not a discrete slot, it overlaps the 'smoker', 'drinker', 'christian', 'muslim', oh the hell with it - it overlaps everything.
As do the slots labelled 'smoker', 'drinker', 'chubby', 'teenager', 'pensioner', you name it. The only people in this or any country that fit into one, discrete slot are the Righteous, and as long as politics panders to them they will believe that people can be pigeonholed on one characteristic. So we have one-size-fits-all health policies and similar nonsense everywhere. We have a smoking ban which only BNP and UKIP have even addressed and those Tory votes split by UKIP/Labour votes split by BNP are assumed to be about the EU/immigration respectively.
Very few people out in the real world care about the EU at all. People worry about immigration in areas where Labour have dumped massive numbers but elsewhere, no. Here. there is some immigration but no immigration problems at all. Lots of Poles who are willing to drive buses through snow that would make a Safety Elf cry. They've kept the transport running this winter. UKIP didn't stand, the BNP took 1.4% of the vote on what basis? Immigration? There is no immigration problem here. So what did those people vote for?
The only issue here that was covered by the BNP and no other party is the smoking ban. Given the BNP's reputation (nothing personal guys but it is the public view we're talking here) plus the fact that they are seen as an English party here, getting 1.4% of the vote is not paltry. It is, in fact, astounding. An English party in the north of Scotland, campaigning on getting rid of people who aren't here, should have polled no votes. They also promise to repeal the smoking ban. The only ones on the voting form to promise that.
Coldest winter for a long time, still pretty chilly out there now, pubs closing, smokers forced to stand out in sub-zero temperatures since last November... see where those votes are coming from yet? If UKIP had stood here they would have done better. They would probably not have won but they would have made a dent in the leaderboard for sure. LPUK could too, after a few months of educating the locals about what it means.
All parties apart from UKIP, BNP and LPUK regard the smoking ban as a done deal. They will do nothing to repeal or even slightly relax it. Smokers who vote for the main parties are lambs knocking on the slaughterhouse door. So are drinkers and anyone who likes a bit of fat or salt in their dinner. You are voting for the Puritans, people!
The smoking ban is a big deal. It is an important election issue. If the Cameroid had even acknowledged it, he'd be in No 10 now with his trowel and bucket of plaster filling in Nokia-shaped holes in the walls. Still he will not see it. There will probably be another election within a year and we smokers will vote to cripple you again. You hate us. You have made that clear. Expect no mercy. We have nothing left to lose.
What of the Cleggites? Well, they are pandering to the Billy Bragg school of politics-by-thug-demand and are too busy fighting amongst themselves to ever be a concern to anyone else.
It is a mess and in this mess, we the people count for nothing,. It is all about power. They want it, they have it and all they are concerned about is who has the most of it.
Well, the Tory/LibDem alliance has already jumped the rails. The Clegg will demand the Gorgon's head on a plate if he is to deal with them and if he gets it, the Cameroid is sewer filler. No matter who leads the country by next week, it is unlikely to be the leader anyone voted for and the only party leader still in place will be the one who can't be PM, but who will decide who can be. Does this sound like any political system the British will accept?
Pitchforks and flaming brands at the ready.
We might be looking at a very Greek summer, but without the sunshine. Stock up on tinned food and salt if you haven't already.
These are the people we entrust with running the whole country. The ones we allow to represent us to other countries, the ones whose laws we are compelled to obey and the ones who take a large chunk of our earnings to pay for things whether we want them or not. They are running around like recently decapitated poultry.
Here's a fun idea. Whichever party wins, only those who voted for them will pay any tax at all. Voting would have to be compulsory or nobody would do it but since the risk of actually paying for your decision exists, everyone will vote for whoever promises to steal the least. Oh, and they can't increase taxes for the duration of their government.
It would stabilise eventually. To start with they'd all promise ridiculously low tax rates but they'd find they couldn't run the country on that and then they'd collapse. There'd be another election in which all parties would look at what they really need to run an administration and come up with a figure that would be realistic.
No party can reveal their tax rates until a set date and then they can't change them. Collusion would be punishable by life in prison (because it would involve deceiving the entire country, that is the only fair penalty). So they would have to work out the minimum they need and pitch for our contracts to govern. No party will have easy-money to fiddle around with ridiculous schemes. They will all have to concentrate on simply running the country.
Never happen. It probably wouldn't even work. Nice dream, though. Pity we aren't living in a dream.
There's more of the Nightmare on Downing Street about the aftermath of this election. The Gorgon has nailed himself into No. 10 and donned his bladed glove in case the Cameroid tries to get in (I should look out my copy of Freddie vs Jason for tomorrow evening) and both are despised by their own parties, yet both are trying to make friends with another party they have both despised for decades because only the Clegg (it's already an insult in Scotland) who has the least MPs of the three, can decide who runs the country...
Excuse me while I pour another drink. This can't possibly end up with any sensible outcome. It's starting to look as if Clegg should be PM because he's going to to be the only original leader of the three main parties by the end of the week.
The Gorgon has had a tantrum, is to be deposed by either Ed Nuts or Bananas Moribund or perhaps even by Hideous Harman, although the current majority on Ed Nuts' seat means he isn't exactly in a safe place and could easily be dry-roasted in another election. So a dodgy choice for leader, although he would provide a final, firework-laden exit for Labour if they chose him. The Gorgon has, it seems, done a Charles I and fled north to the Scots to escape the wrath of the Puritan Lord Protector, Cameroid. They'll throw him back, like last time. His party is in debt to a degree that would even worry Labour and if there's an election within a year, I'd be better funded than them even if I'm working with zero. The party is fighting within itself harder than it is fighting anyone else.
The Tories are not happy with the Cameroid's 'Crown Prince' approach to government which looks to be exactly the same as the Gorgon's. I will make the decisions, you just shut up and vote as directed. Rank and file Tories think he is useless, his major donor is furious with him and if he doesn't get a deal with the Clegg they will rip his intestines out and decorate a tree with them. The Cleggites (must find a better name since they look like being around a while) want him to ditch George Osborne and most of his MPs want him to ditch all his little gang and actually talk to them for a change. Tory MPs - try to imagine how the voters feel. You think the leadership won't listen to you? It's a hundred times worse for the rest of us.
The Tories think their vote was split by UKIP. Why did so many vote UKIP? Same reason I would have, if there had been one here. You threw away a lot of seats by joining in with those who regard a large section of the population as subhuman, Cameroid. You could have walked it with our help. You told us to get outside and you made it clear you hate us. Who? Oh, come on, are we bloody invisible already? It's a big part of my campaign and while I wouldn't ever win, I'm certainly going to hurt and there is not a thing any of those big parties can do to stop it.
The Tories are too busy fighting amongst themselves to put up any effective fight outside.
These politicos put enormous effort into gaining the 'gay vote' without once considering that gay people are people first, gay second. They are not political pawns. They are not all Stonewall. They are not one homogeneous gang of Larry Grayson lookalikes (I loved his show as a child long before I had any idea what 'gay' meant. Julian Clary - nah. Funny at first but there's only so many innuendo jokes you can stomach. He even missed the obvious - in context, 'innuendo' is an innuendo). They miss the point that their 'gay people' slot is not a discrete slot, it overlaps the 'smoker', 'drinker', 'christian', 'muslim', oh the hell with it - it overlaps everything.
As do the slots labelled 'smoker', 'drinker', 'chubby', 'teenager', 'pensioner', you name it. The only people in this or any country that fit into one, discrete slot are the Righteous, and as long as politics panders to them they will believe that people can be pigeonholed on one characteristic. So we have one-size-fits-all health policies and similar nonsense everywhere. We have a smoking ban which only BNP and UKIP have even addressed and those Tory votes split by UKIP/Labour votes split by BNP are assumed to be about the EU/immigration respectively.
Very few people out in the real world care about the EU at all. People worry about immigration in areas where Labour have dumped massive numbers but elsewhere, no. Here. there is some immigration but no immigration problems at all. Lots of Poles who are willing to drive buses through snow that would make a Safety Elf cry. They've kept the transport running this winter. UKIP didn't stand, the BNP took 1.4% of the vote on what basis? Immigration? There is no immigration problem here. So what did those people vote for?
The only issue here that was covered by the BNP and no other party is the smoking ban. Given the BNP's reputation (nothing personal guys but it is the public view we're talking here) plus the fact that they are seen as an English party here, getting 1.4% of the vote is not paltry. It is, in fact, astounding. An English party in the north of Scotland, campaigning on getting rid of people who aren't here, should have polled no votes. They also promise to repeal the smoking ban. The only ones on the voting form to promise that.
Coldest winter for a long time, still pretty chilly out there now, pubs closing, smokers forced to stand out in sub-zero temperatures since last November... see where those votes are coming from yet? If UKIP had stood here they would have done better. They would probably not have won but they would have made a dent in the leaderboard for sure. LPUK could too, after a few months of educating the locals about what it means.
All parties apart from UKIP, BNP and LPUK regard the smoking ban as a done deal. They will do nothing to repeal or even slightly relax it. Smokers who vote for the main parties are lambs knocking on the slaughterhouse door. So are drinkers and anyone who likes a bit of fat or salt in their dinner. You are voting for the Puritans, people!
The smoking ban is a big deal. It is an important election issue. If the Cameroid had even acknowledged it, he'd be in No 10 now with his trowel and bucket of plaster filling in Nokia-shaped holes in the walls. Still he will not see it. There will probably be another election within a year and we smokers will vote to cripple you again. You hate us. You have made that clear. Expect no mercy. We have nothing left to lose.
What of the Cleggites? Well, they are pandering to the Billy Bragg school of politics-by-thug-demand and are too busy fighting amongst themselves to ever be a concern to anyone else.
It is a mess and in this mess, we the people count for nothing,. It is all about power. They want it, they have it and all they are concerned about is who has the most of it.
Well, the Tory/LibDem alliance has already jumped the rails. The Clegg will demand the Gorgon's head on a plate if he is to deal with them and if he gets it, the Cameroid is sewer filler. No matter who leads the country by next week, it is unlikely to be the leader anyone voted for and the only party leader still in place will be the one who can't be PM, but who will decide who can be. Does this sound like any political system the British will accept?
Pitchforks and flaming brands at the ready.
We might be looking at a very Greek summer, but without the sunshine. Stock up on tinned food and salt if you haven't already.
Oily Al, listen to reason.
First things first - before reading on, put down anything you might be drinking, swallow, and ensure your mouth is empty. I'm not paying for any monitors, keyboards, or expensively wasted whisky.
Ready?
Al the Oily Fish says his six SNP MPs are ready to form the next UK government.
Well, I did warn you. Any drenched keyboards or sparking monitors are your problem now.
Oily Al says he's willing to sign his MPs' souls over to the Gorgon's Goblins to help keep the eeeevil Tories out of power. He seems to have mysteriously forgotten one thing, failed to realise another and left his scheming hat at home.
He has forgotten who his chief opponents are in Holyrood. Labour hate you, Al. It's nothing personal, they hate everyone, even each other. They are Equal Opportunities Despisers. Remember your minority government, Al, and how Labour and the Lib Dems tried to kill it at birth?
Oily Al, these people are not your friends and never will be. You'd be better off with the Tories. At least you'd see the knife coming with them.
This hung parliament is only going to last for as long as it takes the Tories to amass enough cash for another campaign. Labour are stuffed, the Lib Dems are considerably better off than them but still skint and even those Bullingdon Boys will struggle to find another silly-poster budget. Especially since they have upset their main donor.
If the election rerun is in May next year it will coincide with the Scottish Parliament elections. So the Scots voters will be faced with two ballot papers. We had that before with the EU and local council elections and it confused the hell out of a lot of people. Here, many who vote Labour for Weakminster will vote SNP for Holyrood but if they have to do both at once, well, as SNP Tactical Voting notes, they are going to have trouble deciding.
Al, if you imagine you can strike a deal with Labour, think again. The greatest gift Labour could hope for is a confusing pair of general elections in Scotland. They will use that confusion to kick you out of office.
Okay, you're SNP and socialist so naturally you don't like the Tories. I'm no fan either. But the Tories aren't in Holyrood, are they? They are in Weakminster. And your primary aim is independence from Weakminster, isn't it? Now, how will you persuade the Scots to vote for that if your party is in league with Labour's Scottish MPs in Weakminster?
Oily Al, you know as well as anyone else that if you had a referendum on independence now, the result would be a resounding 'don't care'. As long as those central belt Labour MPs are in power, all the 'See you, pal' brigade are quite happy, thank you.
Those Labour MPs in safe, if somewhat urine-stained seats in the benefit-traps of the central belt, will persuade their voters to vote against independence. Of course they will. They'd all be out of a job if you won it, wouldn't they? They will use the 'benefit money comes from the Labour government in Weakminster' line to crush your referendum.
So, Al, consider this. The Tories form a government, a minority administration like yours. They will immediately make cuts. The Lib Dems will support them because they want cuts too. They will not make the deepest cuts in their own constituencies. They will make most of those cuts in central Scotland where they have only trivial support anyway and no real hope of changing that any time soon.
The Labour MPs in Scotland will howl about Tory cuts in their constituencies, their voters will demand they do something, those MPs will say 'We can't, the Tories are in power. It's all their fault' and you, Oily Al, are suddenly on a winner.
All you need say is 'Look, people, do you want to put up with Tory cuts or would you rather we cut loose from Weakminster and do things ourselves? Tell you what, why don't we put it to a vote?'
The fact is, Oily Al (can I just call you Oily? I mean, we're almost on first name terms here. I did send you a book once, after all) with a Labour government in Weakminster you will never get an overwhelming vote for independence. The Labour MPs here will fight you and the central-belt Labour voters won't see the point. They don't need to be independent from the party they all vote for, now do they?
With a Tory government in Weakminster, cutting those dole-monkeys' beer vouchers, they will be crying out for a saviour.
I know you can't say anything in support of the Tories because your party will tar and feather you if you do. However, if you ever want to win an independence referendum, what you really need is a Tory government down south. Those Labour enclaves will vote to be free of a Tory government. They will never vote to be free of their own Labour party.
So drop that long spoon, Oily, and back away from the devils. Let them fight it out themselves and if you can, hint privately to the Lib Dems that the Tories are their best bet.
I don't know. I thought you were supposed to be a devious politician? Perhaps it is time for me to have a go myself, after all.
I'm sneakier than you.
Ready?
Al the Oily Fish says his six SNP MPs are ready to form the next UK government.
Well, I did warn you. Any drenched keyboards or sparking monitors are your problem now.
Oily Al says he's willing to sign his MPs' souls over to the Gorgon's Goblins to help keep the eeeevil Tories out of power. He seems to have mysteriously forgotten one thing, failed to realise another and left his scheming hat at home.
He has forgotten who his chief opponents are in Holyrood. Labour hate you, Al. It's nothing personal, they hate everyone, even each other. They are Equal Opportunities Despisers. Remember your minority government, Al, and how Labour and the Lib Dems tried to kill it at birth?
Oily Al, these people are not your friends and never will be. You'd be better off with the Tories. At least you'd see the knife coming with them.
This hung parliament is only going to last for as long as it takes the Tories to amass enough cash for another campaign. Labour are stuffed, the Lib Dems are considerably better off than them but still skint and even those Bullingdon Boys will struggle to find another silly-poster budget. Especially since they have upset their main donor.
If the election rerun is in May next year it will coincide with the Scottish Parliament elections. So the Scots voters will be faced with two ballot papers. We had that before with the EU and local council elections and it confused the hell out of a lot of people. Here, many who vote Labour for Weakminster will vote SNP for Holyrood but if they have to do both at once, well, as SNP Tactical Voting notes, they are going to have trouble deciding.
Al, if you imagine you can strike a deal with Labour, think again. The greatest gift Labour could hope for is a confusing pair of general elections in Scotland. They will use that confusion to kick you out of office.
Okay, you're SNP and socialist so naturally you don't like the Tories. I'm no fan either. But the Tories aren't in Holyrood, are they? They are in Weakminster. And your primary aim is independence from Weakminster, isn't it? Now, how will you persuade the Scots to vote for that if your party is in league with Labour's Scottish MPs in Weakminster?
Oily Al, you know as well as anyone else that if you had a referendum on independence now, the result would be a resounding 'don't care'. As long as those central belt Labour MPs are in power, all the 'See you, pal' brigade are quite happy, thank you.
Those Labour MPs in safe, if somewhat urine-stained seats in the benefit-traps of the central belt, will persuade their voters to vote against independence. Of course they will. They'd all be out of a job if you won it, wouldn't they? They will use the 'benefit money comes from the Labour government in Weakminster' line to crush your referendum.
So, Al, consider this. The Tories form a government, a minority administration like yours. They will immediately make cuts. The Lib Dems will support them because they want cuts too. They will not make the deepest cuts in their own constituencies. They will make most of those cuts in central Scotland where they have only trivial support anyway and no real hope of changing that any time soon.
The Labour MPs in Scotland will howl about Tory cuts in their constituencies, their voters will demand they do something, those MPs will say 'We can't, the Tories are in power. It's all their fault' and you, Oily Al, are suddenly on a winner.
All you need say is 'Look, people, do you want to put up with Tory cuts or would you rather we cut loose from Weakminster and do things ourselves? Tell you what, why don't we put it to a vote?'
The fact is, Oily Al (can I just call you Oily? I mean, we're almost on first name terms here. I did send you a book once, after all) with a Labour government in Weakminster you will never get an overwhelming vote for independence. The Labour MPs here will fight you and the central-belt Labour voters won't see the point. They don't need to be independent from the party they all vote for, now do they?
With a Tory government in Weakminster, cutting those dole-monkeys' beer vouchers, they will be crying out for a saviour.
I know you can't say anything in support of the Tories because your party will tar and feather you if you do. However, if you ever want to win an independence referendum, what you really need is a Tory government down south. Those Labour enclaves will vote to be free of a Tory government. They will never vote to be free of their own Labour party.
So drop that long spoon, Oily, and back away from the devils. Let them fight it out themselves and if you can, hint privately to the Lib Dems that the Tories are their best bet.
I don't know. I thought you were supposed to be a devious politician? Perhaps it is time for me to have a go myself, after all.
I'm sneakier than you.
Saturday, 8 May 2010
Ding dong, the witch is dead.
So
Farewell then
Jacq the Ripper.
Your sister will need
A new lodger
And your husband will need
new balls, I bet.
Perhaps also
A less stained TV.
Farewell then
Jacq the Ripper.
Your sister will need
A new lodger
And your husband will need
new balls, I bet.
Perhaps also
A less stained TV.
Friday, 7 May 2010
The race that nobody won.
It's a good title for a scary story, that one. Appropriate, too, because we're living a scary story right now. We have no money, no industry, and now we have no government. Every cloud has a silver lining and mine is a bottle of Dalwhinnie 15-year-old and a crystal glass. All that crap will still be out there when I finish the bottle but I won't mind so much. It was supposed to be Lagavulin but the result didn't justify the expense. I did buy a cigar but I won't smoke it yet. The horizontally-challenged person of non-male gender has yet to vocalise the rhyming words set to music.
It seems to me that the Lib Dems won the election. Both the Cameroid and the Gorgon are crawling to Clegg now and promising all kinds of stuff if he will only let them rule. This means I will have to find a new epithet for the Ring-bearing hobbit. He doesn't really inspire a good one, does he?
The Cameroid only needs a few more and he could get those from the minor parties, so why is he so keen on Frodo's support? The Gorgon needs to intercept Frodo before he destroys the Ring so Mandelgollum is chasing him already. Labour's army of postal voters, some of whom actually exist, have managed to save them from extinction this time but the result means there is likely to be another election soon. No deal between any of those parties has any chance of lasting a year. They can't work together. They are too... Righteous.
What makes it very interesting indeed is that none of those parties can afford another election. They are skint. The Tories have some money, the Lib Dems are counting their last pennies and Labour are in debt to the tune of millions.
Which means that for the next election, the smaller parties will not have to worry about being out-budgeted to death quite so comprehensively. Oh, and postal fraudsters? You won't get paid. Time to start up a campaign, on the cheap, in preparation for that next election. It's best not to spend too much since the parties will play their 'safe seat' psychology again but it doesn't need to be expensive.
It's time to get the thinking hat on and the special random ideas candle lit. Is it best to campaign as an independent or as a party member? If you are independent you are hampered by having to explain in detail what you stand for, to everyone you meet. There is also the psychology of the game to contend with.
Everyone likes to think they voted for a winner. Few have the mental faculties to actually consider which party best represents them, few will even read the campaign literature, many of those smokers standing outside pubs will have voted Labour again. The votes of the fathers are too often visited on their children due to indolence, peer pressure, and tribal belief. Too many votes go to the incumbent party because 'it's a safe seat, innit? Might as well vote for him, he's going to win anyway'.
It is extraordinarily difficult to persuade these people that the seat is only 'safe' because they make it so by voting for it. The voters, not the politicians, make a seat 'safe'. If nobody voted for the incumbent he would poll zero and someone else would take the seat. Yet if you have that argument in a pub, all too often you will hear 'nah, it's a safe seat, he's bound to win it'.
Well the seat here is considerably less safe than it was, thanks to many who, like me, voted elsewhere. The Lib Dems have it but the SNP, this time, have moved from fourth place to a respectable second. It looked like a mountain to climb, but the SNP are now over halfway up it and another election within a year could do it. Especially if the Lib Dems join with Labour between now and then. People here won't be happy about that.
Aberdeen is a little Labour island here, surrounded by Lib Dem and SNP constituencies. The central belt is heavily Labour and if you look at a map, you'll notice something interesting about those constituencies. The Labour ones are broken into lots of little constituencies while the SNP/Lib Dem ones tend to be one huge constituency. So the number of Labour seats returned by Scotland does not reflect Scotland. It reflects the concentrations of council estates in mainly central-belt Scotland and in the shellsuit areas of Aberdeen. Labour MPs each have a small part of the Labour area. The design of the constituency map mean it is amazing that the SNP managed to beat Labour in the Scottish elections, and they also mean that it is not possible for the SNP, Lib Dems or Tories to shift Labour's hold on Scotland.
Well, not until there's no more money for benefits. Then the Labour constituencies will burn first. That's where they have concentrated their pets. Unfortunately, many of their pets are not housetrained. Most are not even tame.
Once again I am straying from the point. The voter psychology means that it is extremely hard to get very far as an independent. They like tribes, these people. What they want to see is a party machine, one with definite aims, that they can support much as they support their local football team. We are not dealing with the intelligentsia, we are dealing with everyday people who have no time to delve into details and who don't really want to think about politics. Their attitude is that the whole point of voting is to appoint someone else to deal with politics, so they don't have to.
Some will look at an independent candidate, consider that candidate's words and think 'I like that' and vote for the independent. Most will not even watch party political broadcasts on TV. They used to be on all channels at the same time for that reason, because given a choice, most people won't watch them. Doesn't work now, they just switch over to a Sky channel or put on a DVD. Most don't actually care, they just vote as their parents did.
I suppose I was lucky in that respect. I was brought up in Bignose Kinnock's constituency with a coalmining, staunch Labour father who broke tradition because Kinnock was, and remains, an especially odious little git with a face so freckled he seems to have stood too close to someone with explosive diarrhoea. So there was no pressure on me, other than to not vote for 'that bloody arrogant hatchet-faced bastard' (one of my father's more printable descriptions).
Still, it seems to me that if you want to get the average voter's attention, you have to have a party behind you. Very few will listen to an independent.
Suppose I wanted to get elected here. My best bet would be to join the SNP and convince Mr. Salmond that I was his best choice of candidate for the area. Then I would be in with a fighting chance of taking down the Lib Dems and getting into Parliament. That cannot happen. To start with, my repeated references to Al the Oily Fish will probably count against me to some extent. Then there is the small matter of me being a smoker and a big fan of the Milk of Amnesia, both of which activities are frowned on by the party. Plus I don't agree with most of their policies. And I'm not Scottish. Here, though, I am Ethnic and indeed, mixed race and part European which might bring a few brownie points my way. Hey, if Poles count as a different race, so do Italians, and I have hair that needs to be washed every day, skin that needs to be washed more than once a day, a love of pasta and the driving skills to prove my heritage. Ten minutes in a car with me and you will be in no doubt of my Italian ancestry, believe me. Count yourselves lucky I don't like driving. I don't have a bolognese-stained string vest but I'm not old enough to qualify for that yet.
Even if it were possible, the SNP would never select a drinky-smoky-out-of-EU member as a candidate for anywhere. I have no political background either and I can't spend years campaigning for the oily fish (whoops, that's another one) and I certainly can't ingratiate myself. I'm over fifty now. I don't have time to be nice to people unless I like them. On Judgement Day, I can face God and say 'Yes, I was nasty to all those people but they deserved it and you cannot call me two-faced'. To which he will reply 'Well thank Me for that. With a face like yours, one is enough. I didn't just break the mould when I made you, you know. I pounded it to dust'.
Anyway, there is no point me trying to really get elected. Not this time round. Here, the next election will be Lib Dem against SNP. I fully expect the SNP to gain ground and I don't want to split their vote so I won't be looking to steal SNP voters. My best outcome is a narrow majority, enough to break the 'safe seat' psychology.
Labour came third with 9800 votes, most of whom are smokers and drinkers, I bet. I can steal some of those. They'll label me 'far-right' but my immigration policy is that anyone is welcome, I'm just not going to pay you to come. They'll label me 'racist-Nazi-bigot' but I'm an immigrant here too. I can play that game and I've spent enough time at the hands of the Righteous to know their game plays.
The Tories came fourth with 9100. Foxhunting ban? I'm against that too. I'm against all bans that are based purely on spite. I like foxes, but then I also like mice. There's one running around in my garden now and I won't kill him. If he gets in the house, he's dead. I like herons except when they eat the fish in my pond. I like crows but when they shit on my washing I would take great delight in squeezing their necks until their eyes pop out. There is a time and place for 'like'. Tories here are rural and are losing pubs faster than the towns. I can steal some of those.
Independent or party. That's the question I have to consider. If I go the 'party' route there is no guarantee any party would tolerate me or let me stand. If I go the 'independent' route it will be even more difficult because I won't be able to point people to a tribe with definite policies. I am not Batman, I can't solve all the world's problems as an individual. I don't even really want to. This local area is my only concern, and my place in it. All I really want is to smoke in the pub and not be browbeaten for things I do that cause no problems for anyone else. I wouldn't even be political if the political parties hadn't forced me into it.
Over the next few days I will have to consider this question. There will be some months before our government collapses and to be honest, it would be better for the country if it was a Labour/Lib Dem coalition that collapsed. Better for the local area too. If I do finally rescind the principles of half a century and actually join a political party, it will probably be this one.
No, I don't agree with everything, but I agree with far more of that party's principles than any other. Still there are questions. Would they allow a loose cannon into their gradually-developing party? Would they, if I joined, let me anywhere near any risk of pressing buttons that matter?
And of course, would I join any party that would let someone like me be a member?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lovely little 15-year-old demanding my attention. Come here, you smoky little minx...
It seems to me that the Lib Dems won the election. Both the Cameroid and the Gorgon are crawling to Clegg now and promising all kinds of stuff if he will only let them rule. This means I will have to find a new epithet for the Ring-bearing hobbit. He doesn't really inspire a good one, does he?
The Cameroid only needs a few more and he could get those from the minor parties, so why is he so keen on Frodo's support? The Gorgon needs to intercept Frodo before he destroys the Ring so Mandelgollum is chasing him already. Labour's army of postal voters, some of whom actually exist, have managed to save them from extinction this time but the result means there is likely to be another election soon. No deal between any of those parties has any chance of lasting a year. They can't work together. They are too... Righteous.
What makes it very interesting indeed is that none of those parties can afford another election. They are skint. The Tories have some money, the Lib Dems are counting their last pennies and Labour are in debt to the tune of millions.
Which means that for the next election, the smaller parties will not have to worry about being out-budgeted to death quite so comprehensively. Oh, and postal fraudsters? You won't get paid. Time to start up a campaign, on the cheap, in preparation for that next election. It's best not to spend too much since the parties will play their 'safe seat' psychology again but it doesn't need to be expensive.
It's time to get the thinking hat on and the special random ideas candle lit. Is it best to campaign as an independent or as a party member? If you are independent you are hampered by having to explain in detail what you stand for, to everyone you meet. There is also the psychology of the game to contend with.
Everyone likes to think they voted for a winner. Few have the mental faculties to actually consider which party best represents them, few will even read the campaign literature, many of those smokers standing outside pubs will have voted Labour again. The votes of the fathers are too often visited on their children due to indolence, peer pressure, and tribal belief. Too many votes go to the incumbent party because 'it's a safe seat, innit? Might as well vote for him, he's going to win anyway'.
It is extraordinarily difficult to persuade these people that the seat is only 'safe' because they make it so by voting for it. The voters, not the politicians, make a seat 'safe'. If nobody voted for the incumbent he would poll zero and someone else would take the seat. Yet if you have that argument in a pub, all too often you will hear 'nah, it's a safe seat, he's bound to win it'.
Well the seat here is considerably less safe than it was, thanks to many who, like me, voted elsewhere. The Lib Dems have it but the SNP, this time, have moved from fourth place to a respectable second. It looked like a mountain to climb, but the SNP are now over halfway up it and another election within a year could do it. Especially if the Lib Dems join with Labour between now and then. People here won't be happy about that.
Aberdeen is a little Labour island here, surrounded by Lib Dem and SNP constituencies. The central belt is heavily Labour and if you look at a map, you'll notice something interesting about those constituencies. The Labour ones are broken into lots of little constituencies while the SNP/Lib Dem ones tend to be one huge constituency. So the number of Labour seats returned by Scotland does not reflect Scotland. It reflects the concentrations of council estates in mainly central-belt Scotland and in the shellsuit areas of Aberdeen. Labour MPs each have a small part of the Labour area. The design of the constituency map mean it is amazing that the SNP managed to beat Labour in the Scottish elections, and they also mean that it is not possible for the SNP, Lib Dems or Tories to shift Labour's hold on Scotland.
Well, not until there's no more money for benefits. Then the Labour constituencies will burn first. That's where they have concentrated their pets. Unfortunately, many of their pets are not housetrained. Most are not even tame.
Once again I am straying from the point. The voter psychology means that it is extremely hard to get very far as an independent. They like tribes, these people. What they want to see is a party machine, one with definite aims, that they can support much as they support their local football team. We are not dealing with the intelligentsia, we are dealing with everyday people who have no time to delve into details and who don't really want to think about politics. Their attitude is that the whole point of voting is to appoint someone else to deal with politics, so they don't have to.
Some will look at an independent candidate, consider that candidate's words and think 'I like that' and vote for the independent. Most will not even watch party political broadcasts on TV. They used to be on all channels at the same time for that reason, because given a choice, most people won't watch them. Doesn't work now, they just switch over to a Sky channel or put on a DVD. Most don't actually care, they just vote as their parents did.
I suppose I was lucky in that respect. I was brought up in Bignose Kinnock's constituency with a coalmining, staunch Labour father who broke tradition because Kinnock was, and remains, an especially odious little git with a face so freckled he seems to have stood too close to someone with explosive diarrhoea. So there was no pressure on me, other than to not vote for 'that bloody arrogant hatchet-faced bastard' (one of my father's more printable descriptions).
Still, it seems to me that if you want to get the average voter's attention, you have to have a party behind you. Very few will listen to an independent.
Suppose I wanted to get elected here. My best bet would be to join the SNP and convince Mr. Salmond that I was his best choice of candidate for the area. Then I would be in with a fighting chance of taking down the Lib Dems and getting into Parliament. That cannot happen. To start with, my repeated references to Al the Oily Fish will probably count against me to some extent. Then there is the small matter of me being a smoker and a big fan of the Milk of Amnesia, both of which activities are frowned on by the party. Plus I don't agree with most of their policies. And I'm not Scottish. Here, though, I am Ethnic and indeed, mixed race and part European which might bring a few brownie points my way. Hey, if Poles count as a different race, so do Italians, and I have hair that needs to be washed every day, skin that needs to be washed more than once a day, a love of pasta and the driving skills to prove my heritage. Ten minutes in a car with me and you will be in no doubt of my Italian ancestry, believe me. Count yourselves lucky I don't like driving. I don't have a bolognese-stained string vest but I'm not old enough to qualify for that yet.
Even if it were possible, the SNP would never select a drinky-smoky-out-of-EU member as a candidate for anywhere. I have no political background either and I can't spend years campaigning for the oily fish (whoops, that's another one) and I certainly can't ingratiate myself. I'm over fifty now. I don't have time to be nice to people unless I like them. On Judgement Day, I can face God and say 'Yes, I was nasty to all those people but they deserved it and you cannot call me two-faced'. To which he will reply 'Well thank Me for that. With a face like yours, one is enough. I didn't just break the mould when I made you, you know. I pounded it to dust'.
Anyway, there is no point me trying to really get elected. Not this time round. Here, the next election will be Lib Dem against SNP. I fully expect the SNP to gain ground and I don't want to split their vote so I won't be looking to steal SNP voters. My best outcome is a narrow majority, enough to break the 'safe seat' psychology.
Labour came third with 9800 votes, most of whom are smokers and drinkers, I bet. I can steal some of those. They'll label me 'far-right' but my immigration policy is that anyone is welcome, I'm just not going to pay you to come. They'll label me 'racist-Nazi-bigot' but I'm an immigrant here too. I can play that game and I've spent enough time at the hands of the Righteous to know their game plays.
The Tories came fourth with 9100. Foxhunting ban? I'm against that too. I'm against all bans that are based purely on spite. I like foxes, but then I also like mice. There's one running around in my garden now and I won't kill him. If he gets in the house, he's dead. I like herons except when they eat the fish in my pond. I like crows but when they shit on my washing I would take great delight in squeezing their necks until their eyes pop out. There is a time and place for 'like'. Tories here are rural and are losing pubs faster than the towns. I can steal some of those.
Independent or party. That's the question I have to consider. If I go the 'party' route there is no guarantee any party would tolerate me or let me stand. If I go the 'independent' route it will be even more difficult because I won't be able to point people to a tribe with definite policies. I am not Batman, I can't solve all the world's problems as an individual. I don't even really want to. This local area is my only concern, and my place in it. All I really want is to smoke in the pub and not be browbeaten for things I do that cause no problems for anyone else. I wouldn't even be political if the political parties hadn't forced me into it.
Over the next few days I will have to consider this question. There will be some months before our government collapses and to be honest, it would be better for the country if it was a Labour/Lib Dem coalition that collapsed. Better for the local area too. If I do finally rescind the principles of half a century and actually join a political party, it will probably be this one.
No, I don't agree with everything, but I agree with far more of that party's principles than any other. Still there are questions. Would they allow a loose cannon into their gradually-developing party? Would they, if I joined, let me anywhere near any risk of pressing buttons that matter?
And of course, would I join any party that would let someone like me be a member?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lovely little 15-year-old demanding my attention. Come here, you smoky little minx...
Lemonbit Opaque.
So
Farewell then,
Lembit Opik.
You had
the silliest name
In parliament
And the
Silliest specs too
But now you have
The silliest name
Somewhere else.
We don't much care where.
Farewell then,
Lembit Opik.
You had
the silliest name
In parliament
And the
Silliest specs too
But now you have
The silliest name
Somewhere else.
We don't much care where.
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